1/21/99 John Hopkins (aka Darkhop) on alt.fan.frank-zappa:

...It is a flawlessly executed, gorgeous piece of pointlessness.
Like Claudia Schiffer.

1/25/99 Rob Fontenot (aka The Midnight Rambler) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:

Stephen Ratliff wrote: > Next to be seen pooring Paps Blue Ribbon into the Corn Roast Kettle. ^^^^ When it's time to relax, one smear stands clear... year after year...

2/10/99 David Lynch (aka Jahweh) on rec.music.progressive: mike stafford wrote: > ...THE WICKED LADY soundtrack would be something Wakeman would > have been proud of... This is a GOOD thing? I know if I was a musician, my goal in life would be to make music that would make Rick Wakeman puke. -- Jahweh W (gaysex@catholic.org), purveyor of incessant and irritating wank

2/10/99 Doug Elrod on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: bertmarch@aol.com (BERTMARCH) wrote: > Hollywood can get down on it's collective knees and bite my ass. Before you know it, some screenwriter will pick this up and run with it! Oh, I can just see B.M.A. VII, Dentured for PAIN!

2/15/99 Michael Pierry on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Geir Corneliussen wrote: > > Jeff Szarka wrote: > > > > I liked Donna-U-wanna the best. I just have something for short girls > > with dark hair... > > Women are like sardines. The smaller they are, the better they are. > Oh. I thought you were gonna go somewhere very different with that fish metaphor.

2/24/99 Rob Fontenot (aka The Midnight Rambler ) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: [editor's note: This was written in response to the news that MST3K would not be renewed after season 10. You kinda have to be a big fan of Mystery Science Theater to get all of this one.] A long, long time ago I can still remember how that series used to make me smile And I knew if I had my chance I'd sing the praises of my pants And maybe I'd be happy for a while.... But February made me shiver With every post my comp delivered Bad news on the hard drive My day just took... a nose dive... I can't remember if I cried Or if "Turn Down The Lights" applied But something switched off deep inside The day the series died. So bye, bye, to my BBI Took my satellite for one more flight but it wouldn't fly Them good old Mads was drinking whiskey and rye Singing "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye." "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye........" Did you write the network brass? And did you take bites out of their ass? For letting their best series go? And do you believe in Mike and Joel? And can bad movies save your troubled soul? And can you teach me how to do Bob Dole? Well, I... know that you're in love with them Cause I... saw your posters, tapes and pins We both kicked off our shoes And we read the Satellite News... Ooo! I was a nervously obsessive fan With a Servo made out of a pinball stand But I knew things were out of hand the day the series died. I started singing bye, bye, to my BBI Took my satellite for one more flight but it wouldn't fly Them good old Mads was drinking whiskey and rye Singing "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye." "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye........" Now, for ten years, we've been on our own Just some mentions in the Post or in Rolling Stone But that didn't matter to you or me... When the janitor sang on the TV screen About how he was turned down by Josephine And Timmy started turning really mean.... And while Comedy Central turned it down The Sci-Fi Channel stole its crown The series had returned But the suits just never learn For while Ace read nominees at will And MST was on the bill "Larry Sanders" won until the day the series died. And they were singing bye, bye, to my BBI Took my satellite for one more flight but it wouldn't fly Them good old Mads was drinking whiskey and rye Singing "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye." "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye........" Helter Skelter, in the summer swelter The Mads dug deep until they made a shelter Where they started sending craaaaaap! And then there was a major flap When Joel prevailed and he didn't snap Even though he looked like he needed a long nap... Well, the host segments all were sweet perfume While the robots sang a turtle tune We all hiked up our pants Oh, but we... NEVER GOT THE CHANCE! For the robots tried to win their time The Nielsens were not sublime Do you recall my crappy rhymes? The day the series died. Well we were singing Bye, bye, to my BBI Took my satellite for one more flight but it wouldn't fly Them good old Mads was drinking whiskey and rye Singing "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye." "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye........" (slower and softer) I met a girl who sang her lines And I asked her 'bout the happy times But she just laughed and danced away And I logged on to the internet So I could trade some good eps, yet But the fans there said their copies wouldn't play........ And on the tube, the series came They all debuted, each one the same But not a word was spoken About why my heart was broken.... And the three men I admired most The red one, gold one, and the host They joined their brethren on the Coast The day the series died. And they were singin'... Bye, bye, to my BBI Took my satellite for one more flight but it wouldn't fly Them good old Mads was drinking whiskey and rye Singing "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye." "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye." Bye, bye, to my BBI Took my satellite for one more flight but it wouldn't fly Them good old Mads was drinking whiskey and rye Singing "Push the button, Frank. Say goodbye." "I love you, Crow." "You're not my real father."

3/1/99 Erica (aka K-Y Mellie) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Kevin Mowery wrote: > > Why is peanut butter good, and jelly good, and peanut butter and >jelly good, but if peanut butter and jelly come in the same jar it's >*awful*? What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is not peanut butter and jelly in one convienent jar, but rather wiffle peanut-shell butter and dyed corn syrup jelly! That said and done, let it be known that in my dorm rat days, my roommate and I enjoyed this dog/cat butt-graft of a food product and constantly marvelled at the company's ability to make jelly taste greasy. ky mellie (feast on it)

3/3/99 Mike Dickson on rec.music.progressive: henry@bondegezou.demon.co.uk.REMOVE-TO-EMAIL wrote... > And I'd much rather have Mike's witty and insightful posts -- and his > abysmal taste in music -- than the sort of mindless fanboy noise you > get on alt.music.rush. And - despite his appalling taste in women, music and concept of personal hygiene - I would rather have Henry 'Yesboy' Potts round here than the usual fawning synchophants who think that the every utterance of Genesis is the word of the almighty.

3/3/99 Adam Levin on rec.music.progressive: On Mon, 1 Mar 1999, Mike Dickson wrote: > In article <7bdobk$fbq$1@news1.dra.com> dirk@triumvirat.net wrote... > > > If you are cold, Mike, me thinks you might want to put something on > > 'neath your kilt ;-) > > Wild fucking horses could not get me into a kilt. Well that's because you've got the wrong animals for the job. Hooves really suck at gripping garments. Methinks wild fucking chimps could do a much better job.

3/11/99 Joe Barlow (aka Average Joe) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: [In his review of THE RAGE: CARRIE 2] Why would anyone take a classic film like "Carrie" and butcher its memory so badly? I tell you, Stephen King must be rolling over in his... great big pile of money? Under no circum- stance should you see "The Rage: Carrie 2." Your very salvation depends on it.

3/15/99 Sean McFee (aka The Original Irish Bastard) on rec.music.progressive: Thomas is to machines what machines are to men: > I'm in it for the music, as long as the vocals > are good, I don't worry too much about what they are singing about, unless > the words are vulgar. What if the vocals are good but the words are vulgar? I hear the next Yes album has a song called "My Cap In Yo' Ass, Dave Marsh".

3/16/99 Adam Levin on rec.music.progressive: On Tue, 16 Mar 1999 brick_wall@my-dejanews.com wrote: > Zappa never did much for me. But then neither did Yes. Zappa is basically > Yes with a lotta poop-jokes thrown in. Yep, some of my fav Zappa tunes are "Owner of a Lonely Fart", "Starship Pooper", "(I'm the) Slime and a Turd", "Thunderous Glories", "Going for #1", "The Flush (Excrementeria Plumbaturus)", "Into the Bowl (I am an Illinois Enema)", "Shoot High - Wipe Bowl", "Poot for a Day", "Siberian DogPoo (Brown Snow)", "The Clap" (aka "Why Does it Hurt...") and of course, his masterpiece: Close to the Rim: I: The Solidity of Movement/II: Total Ass Retain/III: I Cramp Up, I Bare Down/IV: Wipings of Man

3/16/99 "McDLT" on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: [in a followup to a message with the subject "A good way to piss off a computer nerd..."] Gee, the way this originally appeared, I didn't see the word "nerd" in the topic due to the way my screen is set up. I thus, therefore, thought the instructions would include putting the monitor in front of the toilet, and standing on it.

3/23/99 Matthew Martens on rec.music.progressive: lasercd@aol.com (LASERCD) wrote: >Your TRC cds are counterfeit bootlegs. No, I have to disagree: they're genuine, authentic bootlegs.

[editor's note: The funny part of this one is that I think *everyone* saw the response coming as soon as they saw the original post...] 3/24/99 Michael Pierry on alt.fan.frank-zappa: AJ Wilkes wrote: > > Lewis just pumped the following: > > : I sanely descended and was immediately mugged in Bryant Park by the New > : York Public Library... > > Public Library's can be so cruel... > Damn, I knew AJ would beat me to that one.

[Editor's note: Good spin on an old joke...] 3/24/99 "Mary" on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: A few months ago, I was in Sears. They were playing "Titanic" in the TV department. It was up to the part where the boat actually sinks (sorry if I ruined it for anyone...).

3/24/99 TCurryFan on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: >(I'm the only guy I know who likes both _Howard the Duck_ >and _Hudson Hawk_.) How do you feel about _The_Maltese_Falcon_?

[From the "going to absurd extremes" department of alt.fan.frank-zappa:] 3/25/99 Adrian Clark started thusly: Getting back to what Steve said about people's spelling seeming to be worse these days, there was a report on BBC Radio4 this morning stating that recent research had shown exactly that. Also, they found that 1 in 3 would not be able to calculate the floor area of a room. (Of course, I know - you put down floor tiles, then count how many you've used. Easy) --- John Scialli added: >Also, they found that 1 in >3 would not be able to calculate the floor area of a room. A whole 43% ! --- Steve Cobham inserted: >Also, they found that 1 in >3 would not be able to calculate the floor area of a room. > >(Of course, I know - you put down floor tiles, then count how many >you've used. Easy) I recommend square or rectangular tiles for this purpose - other shapes make the job more difficult. Of course, you could always get the room carpeted and then ask the carpet fitter what area of carpet he used. Any offcuts would have to be subtracted from the total carpet used in order to arrive at an accurate figure. --- AJ Wilkes offered this methodology: : Of course, you could always get the room carpeted and then ask the carpet : fitter what area of carpet he used. Any offcuts would have to be : subtracted from the total carpet used in order to arrive at an accurate : figure. You could fill the room full of water, noting the amount of water used - subtract the volume of any objects present (including yourself) and divide by the height of the room. --- Steve Cobham added this complication: Yes, but only if the ambient temperature was above feezing. If the water froze, the volume would become greater and would introduce erronoeus data to the final computation. Also, the expansion in volume caused by the water turning to ice would cause severe structural damage. Therefore, I cannot recommend your method. --- AJ Wilkes came back with: I see your point, but all of this is based on the assumption of a constant sized room. Heat variations would cause air pressure differentials between inside and outside of the room, and also affect the construction materials at a molecular level, generating a (perhaps daily) cyclic variation in room size. I propose that this variation be measured by beans. --- Steve Cobham proposed this solution: I'm willing to accept your methodology of filling the room and have taken on board your comments about the variations in the size of the room and the factors affecting it. Therefore, I propose that the room be chilled to a temperature approaching absolute zero - say, 272 ░K - and then it be filled with polystyrene, which has a low co-efficient of expansion. I hope you find these control conditions acceptable. --- Steve Cobham then corrected himself: >Therefore, I propose that the room be chilled to a temperature >approaching absolute zero - say, 272 ░K - and then it be filled with >polystyrene, which has a low co-efficient of expansion. That should, of course, read: - 272 ░K

3/25/99 Wide_Eyed_Wonder (aka ShadowStar) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: > According to IMDb, there is a "Flintstones II" in pre-production. It's > slated to star no one from the original film. Kristen "3rd Rock" Johston is > Wilma Flintstone (the one bright spot), Billy Baldwin is Barney Rubble. > The movie features the Great Gazoo. And (and here's the horrifying part) - > it's the story of Fred & Wilma's honeymoon. I have this picture in my head of one of stone houses (I guess those were supposed to be "caves") with one dim light on inside. Wilma's head keeps popping up in the window (with Fred's weight, you KNOW that little lady *HAS* to ride on top) and we hear her saying things like, "Oh, yes! YES! YEEEEESSSS! I just love grinding that big hard rock of yours!" and Fred returning with "Oh, I just LOVE the way you yabba dabba DO ME, BABY!!!!!"

[Editor's note: To get the joke on this one, you have to realize that NINJA is a regular on a.f.f-z, he's always looking to trade tapes, he never uses capitalization or punctuation, and he's been using "interested in trading zappa" (with no blank line or separator) as a .sig file for a while. Wow, that's a lot of set-up for a short joke. Oh well, here it is:] 3/26/99 OnTheCornr on alt.fan.frank-zappa: In article <36fb5233.777294@news.erols.com>, NINJA@SWORD.EDG wrote: >the moral of this story is if it smells like a junkie then it probally is > interested in trading zappa He said it, I didn't.

3/31/99 Rob Fontenot (aka The Midnight Rambler) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Lori Holuta wrote: > > Ah, to err is human, to forgive, feline. Let us paws and reflect. > Dunno where that concept's going, but there it is! > > Only two more hours, and I'll be driving my cat home from MSU. MAN. That's a big-ass cat.

3/31/99 Rob Fontenot (aka The Midnight Rambler) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: KenWMcC55 wrote: > Whatever happened to the good anti-drug ads? Like "this your brain?" I remember that one. "This your brain? I found it in the bushes." "Oh, man, thanks. I was shroomin' last night and I literally lost my mind." > (and I still don't want to hear about genital herpes!) Only in America could we be so pampered as to whine like that. "Five pills a day? Who has the time?" The TIME? --- Bill Livingston adds: >pills a day? Who has the time?" The TIME? 11:56 AM --- Rob Fontenot comes back: I've got 3:10 PM. You are WAY off. --- and Julia Sober gives us a woman's point of view: > Only in America could we be so pampered as to whine like that. "Five > pills a day? Who has the time?" The TIME? Here's the one that bugs me: "Who has seven days to cure a yeast infection?" My question: Who DOESN'T?

[in the "best use of an intro to a follow up to change meaning" category:] 4/6/99 rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Subject: Re: What are you really BAD at? From: Megan Westerfield Almost anything involving numbers. And physics, chemistry, and biology. Cooking. Being really sociable. Dealing with stupid people. Washing my clothes without Mommy's help. Not procrastinating. Car repair. --- Subject: Re: What are you really BAD at? From: tcurryfan@aol.com.net (TCurryFan) Do you wanna make more money? Sure, we all do! Here at RATMM University, you can get your degree in: >Almost anything involving numbers. > >And physics, chemistry, and biology. > >Cooking. > >Being really sociable. > >Dealing with stupid people. > >Washing my clothes without Mommy's help. > >Not procrastinating. > >Car repair. TV and gun repair (I think Elvis taught that once) Refrigeration And many more! Catherine Johnson, who was gonna teach the procrastination class, but never quite got around to it.

4/6/99 Free Rangin' Chicken (aka Dirk) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: I'm thinkin', "Man from U.N.C.L.E." meets "Touched by an Angel." "Tonight, on a very SPECIAL 'Touched by an Uncle...'" I will burn in hell for that, Dirk

4/6/99 david lynch on rec.music.progressive: Jim Harkins wrote: > Jason Kochel wrote: >>Boud Deun - Astronomy Made Easy (1997) > Interesting. Doesn't spin my personal propellor but I got it because lots > of folks here like it. Complex italian stuff, should appeal to fans of > King Crimson or fusion jazz. Boud Deun here gains the distinction of being the first complex Italian band to hail from Virginia.

4/14/99 drumzspace@yahoo.com on alt.fan.frank-zappa: > I don't know which is worse...you admitting you had a purple turd, or me > considering sitting around this weekend with $50 worth of grape Kool-Aid > and my camera. [editor's note: What can I say? Poop humor cracks me up.]

4/14/99 Steve Cobham on alt.fan.frank-zappa: On Wed, 14 Apr 1999 17:31:17 GMT, tuneserf@my-dejanews.com spammed: >I found this site and just had to share. It's such a great way to keep a >finger on the pulse of Artists like Zappa. That's an unfortunate turn of phrase under the circumstances.....

[Editor's note: I had to include this just for the sheer weirdness of the combination of obscure refs and pure Dada] 4/21/99 Julia Sober on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Bill Livingston wrote: > (snip) > >> > >>I dunno - duckie burps are pretty wierd, too. > > > >Oh! Oh! How about a burping chihuahua? > > That's weird, too - but timed right, they're very funny. You know, until now I didn't even consider that chihuahua burps could be timed *wrong*. > >>>Bill L. > >> It's a giant Bunny from Heaven!" > > > >Look a' that size of it's HEEEED! > > > >Julia - like sputnik. Round yet quite pointy in parts. > > Saaaaaay... O pointy birds, O pointy pointy. > >Okay, 2 points. > > "Barney Miller"! Kant! He can't? > Eminem! Crispy? Green? WHAT??? > PASS! PASS! Julia - sorry, didn't realize I was Bogarting.

[Editor's note: Another lengthy gem from Big Rob. A parody based on that stupid "sunscreen graduation speech" thing. It helps if you're familiar with all the included MST3K references, but even if you're not it's still damn funny. Maybe funnier, in a surreal kinda way.] 4/21/99 The Midnight Rambler (aka Rob Fontenot) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Subject: Everybody's Free (To Be Wry) Ladies and Gentlemen of the MSTie Class of '99: Wear poopysuits. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, poopysuits would be it. The long term benefits of poopysuits have been proved by extremely white future Congressmen, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own, meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. But never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of yourself, when you were huge and demanding fried chicken and cola, and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. You are, however, sixty feet tall. Look at these skidmarks. Don't worry about the future or worry knowing that worry is just as affective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. I'll give you an hour to unpack my metaphor. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, like how to stop giant lobsters from eating your new girlfriend. The kind that blind sides you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Sing, dammit! Sing! Row, row, row, your boat... Don't be reckless with other peoples' severed heads, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. I don't care if you screwed up his arm or not, get rid of him. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. Don't worry about whether or not your friend is a big fat star. The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. Don't kill that fat barkeep. Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Thank Tommy Kirk for making us laugh about love, again. Stretch. Stretch until you can knock down small planes. Go to Vegas and wander around until you get shot. Clutch at your heart and go, "ggggg." Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds still don't. What's your dream? Get plenty of calcium. Don't throw that milk, just drink it. It'll help you catch that cheerleader. Be kind to your big knees, you'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get killed by your own giant nuclear octopus, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the 'Funky Chicken' on your 75th wedding anniversary. Maybe you'll die alone and afraid. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Did you know I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do. Enjoy your body. Use it every day you can. Be sure to inspect your horn, and wash it every day. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance. You can be a happy king! Even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room. Read the directions even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Don't put a good film in the middle of your bad film. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Accuse them often. Run strange packages for oily men. Go to that party at Jack Taylor's. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your past and the most likely to stick with you in the future. Love Rommel like a brother. That magnificent sonofabitch. Read his book. Understand that friends come and go. But for a precious few, you should hold on. Unless they start shooting the natives for no reason. Then book ass. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Lead a lonely, sheltered life. Plotting, scheming. Live in New York City once, but leave the Bronx before you get shot by the shock troops. Live in Southern California once, but leave before you lose your pretty mind. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: hosts will leave, voices will change, you too will get old and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, hosts were always funny, bots sounded cool and Evil Scientists respected their sidekicks. Respect your sidekicks. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have an umbilicus, maybe you'll have a oxygen supply, but you'll never know when either one might run out. Look for the box of hamdingers. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're forty, it will look 85. Don't reshape it into a mushroom cloud. Don't let Shelly touch it. Be careful whose dolls you buy, but be patient with demons who supply them. Devil Dolls are a form of nostalgia. Buying them is a way of taking old plots from the disposal, wiping them off, painting over the ugly parts and refusing to give them ham. You're an ugly little puppet. But trust me on the poopysuits. -- Another French quatrain about the Anti-Christ from Lonesome Rob Fontenot, The Midnight Rambler

[In a thread about the "Dune" series of novels:] 4/22/99 Jerry Hull on alt.fan.frank-zappa: On Thu, 22 Apr 1999 10:29:47 GMT, d.j.versteeg@removethistoreply.tue.nl (Dennis Versteeg) wrote: >The 2nd, 3rd and maybe also 4th one are still readable, but come >nowhere near the first one. The last 2 are horendous.. Ah, yes, who can forget NOTARY PUBLIC OF DUNE and DUNE WASTE REMOVAL, SECOND SHIFT.

5/9/99 Rob Fontenot (aka The Midnight Rambler) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: ShadowStarę wrote: > Mike Ralls wrote in message <7h3dem$t4s$1@nnrp1.deja.com>... > > > >> >farmgirl asks the $64 dollar question: > >> > >> >And what's the most unusual thing YOU eat? > > > >I've eaten dog and cockroaches. > > Together? RATMM: "I've eaten dog and cockroaches." Seriously, though, that's my favorite Heart song.

5/12/99 brwnj@aol.comthebird (Brwnj) on rec.music.progressive >>Fripp invented prog??? I thought he invented the Internet. I learn >>something new everyday on here! > >Nope, it was Al Gore! Yeah, right. And Dan Quayle invented Spell-Check.

[I can't even begin to explain this one, folks:] 5/16/99 Martin Higgs on alt.fan.frank-zappa: >On 16 May 1999 02:02:13 -0500, jeff@asan.com (Jeff ) wrote: > >>On 16 May 1999 06:31:31 GMT, stucohomes@aol.comrades (StucoHomes) >>wrote: >> >>>>Per wrote: >>>>> >>>>> Medical Catastrophe wrote: >>>>> > >>>>> > Jeff wrote: >>>>> > >>>>> > > On Fri, 07 May 1999 00:56:35 GMT, >>>>> > > medical--KICK-OUT-THE-JAMMS--@.co.uk (Medical Catastrophe) >>>>> > > wrote: >>>>> > > >>>>> > > > wrote: >>>>> > > > >>>>> > > >> On Thu, 06 May 1999 08:50:07 GMT, Deekoo L. >>>>> > > >> wrote: >>>>> > > >> >>>>> > > >> >MC> > MC> > > > : >> > Filthy Rotten Penii >>>>> > > >> >MC> > MC> > > > : >> The Tall Penis >>>>> > > >> >MC> > MC> > > > : >The City of Lost Penises >>>>> > > >> >MC> > MC> > > > : An Officer And A Penis >>>>> > > >> >MC> > MC> > > > Scarpenis. >>>>> > > >> >MC> > MC> > > Logan's Penis >>>>> > > >> >MC> > MC> > Carnival Of Penis >>>>> > > >> >MC> > MC> >>>>> > > >> >MC> > MC> Blake's 7 Penises >>>>> > > >> >MC> > Dr. Penis >>>>> > > >> >MC> Penis 1999 >>>>> > > >> >Lost In Penis >>>>> > > >> You've got Penis! >>>>> > > >The English Penis >>>>> > > The Man With the X-Ray Penis >>>>> > The Invisible Penis >>>>> Raging Penis >>>> >>>> >>>>See No Penis, Hear No Penis >>>> >>> >>>Gone With the Penis >>>It Conquered the Penis >>>200 Penises >>>Penis by Northwest >>>Star Wars: The Phantom Penis >>>Star Wars: The Penis Strikes Back >>>Star Wars : The Penis of the Jedi >>>Star Trek: The Motion Penis >>>ST: The Penis of Kahn >>>ST: The Search for Spock's Penis >>>ST: The Final Penis >>>ST: The Undiscovered Penis >>>(i forget the name of the fourth movie) >>>Die Hard: With a Penis >>>SCORSESE: >>>Goodpenis >>>Raging Penis >>>Dog Penis Afternoon >>>King Crimson: The Noise: Live at Penis >> >>Humble Pie: "Town and Penis" >>Miles Davis: "Birth of the Penis" >>Ella Fitzgerald: "The Cole Porter Penis" >>Love: "Penis Forever Changes" >>Bob Dylan: "Penis 61 Revisited" >>Grateful Dead: "Penis of the Sun" >>Jimi Hendrix Experience: "The Cry of Penis" >>Alice Cooper: "Penis' Out" >>The Mothers of Invention: "Penis Out!" > >Four Weddings and a Penis >A Penis Called Wanda >The Man In The Iron Penis >The Texas Chainsaw Penis >The Maltese Penis >Penis Spotting >Citizen Penis >Honey I Shrunk The Penis >Seven Penises For Seven Brothers >The Man With The Golden Penis > >We're Only In It For The Penises >Lumpy Penis >Penismania >Hot Penises >Burnt Penis Sandwich >Weasels Ripped My Penis >Chunga's Penis >200 Penises >Just Another Penis From L.A. >The Grand Penis >One Penis Fits All >Penis Fury >Penis In New York >Penis Tan >Penis Dirt >Sheik YerPenis >Penile Favourites >Tinseltown Penis >Shut Up 'N Play Yer Penis >Penis Arriving Too Late To Save A Drowning Witch >The Penis From Utopia >Baby Penises >Boulez Conducts Zappa, The Perfect Penis >Frank Zappa Meets The Penises Of Prevention >Penis From Hell >Joe's Penis >Penis The Hard Way >The Best Penis You Never Heard In Your Life >Make A Penis Noise Here >Playground Penises >Ahead Of Their Penises >The Yellow Penis >Strictly Penis >The Lost Penises >Frank Zappa Plays The Penis Of Frank Zappa >Strictly Penile >Penis Thrills >Mystery Penis >Son Of Cheep Penis >Penis Is Healing Nicely >The Penis And The Fury

5/18/99 Michael "Rottweiler" Wallen on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Asa wrote: > > So, the thoughts led to: "If you could boff a current Sunday comics > character, whom would you choose?" Nermal.

[Note: To get this one, you have to know that this person was replying to a poster who constantly brags about the huge length of his, um, equipment, and had recently been on a spree of three or four Phantom Menace-bashing posts a day for over a week] 5/20/99, ttttt@hhhhh.net (David T.) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: (Although recently it's been more like, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! That sucks as much as Star Wars! Speaking of sucking...")

5/25/99 Jean on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Bill Livingston wrote: > When I eat at Taco Bell, I think, "Wow, I wonder whose bandaid this is I found > in the burrito?" Better than finding a rabies tag.

5/24/99 Kevin Mowery on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: ShadowStarę (NOwide_eyed_wonderSPAM@vh.net) wrote: : Kevin Mowery wrote in message <7iagss$85a@acme.freenet.columbus.oh.us>... :> :> Well, the Force *does* partially control my actions, so yes. : Partially... but it also obeys your commands. Unfortunately, no. I'm pretty much the Force's bitch.

[From the "my god, I can't believe this thread is still going department":] 5/26/99 Michael Pierry on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Jeff wrote: > > On Thu, 13 May 1999 17:45:00 GMT, hoodooBUGZAPPER@newnorth.net > (Hoodoo) wrote: > > >On 13 May 1999 03:36:10 -0500, jeff@asan.com (Jeff ) wrote: > > > >>>> You've got Penis! > >>> > >>>The English Penis > >> > >>The Man With the X-Ray Penis > > > >If you also include works of art, there is the... > > > >Penis de Milo > > Penis to Wear > Penis Through the Heart > Sleep, Penis, Sleep > Penis of Flubber > The Horse Penis > Excess Penis > Penis of the Corn > Penis Floats > Um, hello?? What about Beatles songs?? An endless treasure trove of dick jokes... Penis To Ride All You Need Is Penis Helter Penis Dear Penis (won't you come out to play??) Happiness is a Warm Penis Norwegian Penis A Hard Day's Penis I Am the Penis Hey Penis I Wanna Hold Your Penis She's A Penis Polythene Penis With A Little Help From My Penis Long Tall Penis Magical Mystery Penis You've Got To Hide Your Penis Away Drive My Penis Penis on the Hill Good Day Penis Here Comes the Penis Lucy in the Sky With Penis Maxwell's Silver Penis Mother Nature's Penis Octopus's Penis The Long and Winding Penis And Your Penis Can Sing (somebody stop me) --- Biffy the Elephant Shrew added: >Um, hello?? What about Beatles songs?? You Know My Name, Look Up The Penis --- and Ron Spiegelhalter added: You Never Give Me Your Penis She Loves Penis Love Me Penis Penis Never Knows Within Penis, Without Penis I Feel Penis The Inner Penis Carry That Penis It's Only Penis Eleanor Penis Everybody's Trying to Be My Penis Strawberry Penis Forever Your Penis Should Know Good Penis Good Penis Only a Northern Penis Penis Lane While My Penis Gently Weeps Why Don't We Do It in the Penis Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Penis Cry Penis Cry Can't Buy Me Penis You're Going to Lose that Penis Dig a Penis Let it Penis The Ballad of John and Penis Got to Get You Into my Penis If I Needed Penis

6/1/99 gaysex@catholic.org (Hal Holbrook) on rec.music.progressive: Thus spake Roy DeRousse: [about a show in Chicago:] >Dirk Evans and I drove a 13 mile round trip from St. Louis to see them, ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You obviously know where the REALLY GREAT shortcuts are. Punches in the mouth, Dave.

6/2/99 stucohomes@aol.comrades (StucoHomes) on alt.fan.frank-zappa: >you can tell right away all uss assholes really need you > My cousin was in the navy and served aboard the USS Asshole for three years.

6/4/99 Mike Keneally (aka Boil That) on alt.music.mike-keneally: > Do you feel that you need outside input? It completely depends on the needs of a given project - ie. the way I thought I could make the studio version of "Drum-Running," for instance, was for me to play virtually everything on it - I know what I sound like on all those instruments and that was the mix of approaches I craved for that material. But I would no sooner attempt to play drums on "Frozen Beef" than I would attempt cunnilingus on Brittney Spears onstage at the Nickelodeon Awards.

6/6/99 Rottweiler on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Stephen Ratliff wrote: > > The Great Rottweiler wrote: > > |The effects of red, green, and purple Ratliff gas last as long as those > |of the basic yellow gas. However, it's never been established how long > |that keeps Ratliffverse adults asleep. > > 36 hours, and you awake with a terrific headache. Previous injuries may > complicate recovery. Recovery especially hard on women who are pregnant or > recently delivered. Ah, so Ratliff gas contains Propecia... > |What do you think, sirs? > > I think you have too much time on your hands. This from a person who's written 28 fanfics...

6/9/99 biffyshrew@aol.commie.rats (Biffyshrew) on alt.music.mike-keneally: In article <7jg3ho$1m91q$1@reader3.wxs.nl>, "Tal" wrote: >The CD, entitled "Nonkertompf," Gesundheit. Your pal, Biffy the Elephant Shrew @}-`--}----

6/9/99 gaysex@catholic.org (Hal Holbrook) on rec.music.progressive: Thus spake SkyHarmony: >>The descriptions of the Magma performance bordered on worship, in the biblical >>sense. > >Myself and others feel like they are geniuses, and we act accordingly. But I >wouldn't use the term "worship". In my post about _Opera de Reims_, I mention >that it was pretty dumb of Vander to do a drum solo. I'm sure other "fanboys" >have made similarly negative comments occassionally. For myself, I can only say that I'd rather worship Magma in the biblical sense than know them in the biblical sense. Come on, admit it. It would be FUN to sacrifice livestock to Magma.

6/9/99 Mike Barklage on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: > Darkhop wrote: >> >> Well, this doesn't really fit the criteria, but someone told me that >> George Lucas has a formula for coming up with character names. Obviously >> if this is true he doesn't use it across the board, but supposedly it >> goes something like this: >> >> First 3 letters of your last name, then the 1st two letters of your >> first. That's your first Lucasian name. >> >> For the last name, take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name >> then add the first 3 letters of the town you were born in. You know, with this 5-letter/5-letter naming convention, it's only a matter of time before we find someone named Burma Shave.

6/14/99 Joe B (aka spudboy) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: >I do want to see if Austin helps Heineken recapture its position as >the #1 imported beer in the U.S.--a slot it held from the end of >Prohibition until 1997, when it was surpassed by Corona. Probably not. The mere fact that Corona ever made it to number one proves that the American public has horrible taste in beer. A small hint: When the majority of people drinking a beer feel the need to put a lemon in it to kill the taste, there's probably a better tasting beer out there somewhere.

6/21/99 Erica (aka K-Y Mellie) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Yes, exactly! And Hell as a punishment? It is to laugh! God needs to update his punishments. No one fears hell or fire and brimstone anymore. He needs to cash in on the new fears, like being condemned to star as the love intrest in the next Carrot Top movie or to be doomed spend your afterlife in a N'Syncstreet Boyz video. ::delicate shudder:: That would scare me straight more than the threat of hanging around a boring, hot place would. But that could just be because I'm an Arizonan.

[Editor's Note: OK, this one is really sick and tasteless, but what can I say? Sick and tasteless makes me laugh. I apologise in advance to anyone this offends:] 6/22/99 Red Avenger on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Has anyone thought about the possible merchandising potential that Littleton and Columbine have? How about sports T-shirts with stuff like "Columbine Lacrosse: we never miss a shot!" or "Littleton Football: we murder the opposition!" on them? That's my tasteless comment for the day... :)

6/22/99 Jet Jaguar on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: [about the Y2K "crisis":] Me, I'm going to pick up a souped-up dune buggy and some spiked football pads. You can't have an apocalypse without either.

6/27/99 Sam Rouse on alt.fan.frank-zappa: In article <3777c288.3159066@news.total.net>, old@stockholm.com wrote: [Editor's note: I've snipped Miguel's utterly crass post. Just suffice to say it was a completely uncalled for sexual remark. Anyway, the funny part is the last sentance of Sam's reply, coupled with the way he signed the post.] Miggy, how do you reconcile in that pointed little pea brain of yours posting shit like this, and yet threatening someone else (Ray, IIRC) with TOS complaints to their ISP for their "Miggy is a pig" sig? Does the hypocrisy escape you? Do you think you're invulnerable hiding behind that spoofed address (which is in itself a violation of total.net's TOS; I just checked)? I don't imagine the folks at stockholm.com (a real domain) would care much for you either, but doubt they've noticed. Don't worry, I wouldn't stoop to complaining to any of these folks; I like to think I have more class than that. Up yours, Sam

6/29/99 Norb42 on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.msic: >>Here is the playlist for the monkey mix, Volume One > > [ snip ] > >What happened to "Hey Hey, We're The Monkees"? Coming up in Volume Two. I promise. Unless I can't get a copy, in which case we can enjoy it in Volume Three. Norb Volume Three will come with CD-ROM video clips and a hidden lemur track. [Editor's note: I have no idea why, but the phrase "hidden lemur track" just hit me as really, really funny for some reason.]