[Editor's note - Here's the setup for this one:  At a music festival
called "NEARfest", one band borrowed a Hammond Organ from another
band, then proceeded to manhandle it and break a key off.]

7/1/99 Deznik on rec.music.progressive:

So what has NEARfest taught us:

Be gentle when playing with someone else's organ ;)


7/1/99 Antman on rec.music.progressive: Tarkus@skantech.com says... >For me, ELP was over when they appeared on "Regis & Kathie Lee". Good fucking God, is this true?!?! If I was any of the three, I'd have killed myself by now in shame. After torturing and killing my agent first, of course, via a boiling cheese enema. KL: Aren't these guys fabulous?!? They're wonderful! And so tall! Who ARE you guys?!? Regis: Enough with the drum solo already! Sing the song, please. We have Richard Simmons waiting in the green room. What's that one guy doing to the keyboards? Boy, they're loud!


7/6/99 Mike Dickson on rec.music.progressive: countv@NOTTHISPARTiname.com wrote... > If ten or fifteen prog bands in the next few years started > incorporating great swathes of Reggae There is now a picture in my mind of Greg Lake, skanking in dreadlocks. And it won't go away.


7/6/99 WWID3000 on rec.music.progressive: And I'm in deep shit when I find a reliable source of prog rock. Three years from now, begging for money so I can feed my addiction and on hot days I can be seen in parking lots, taking advantage of the fact that many people have their car windows rolled down so I can power my walkman by means of their cigarette lighters. Happily going nuts, Eric.


7/6/99 Mike Dickson on rec.music.progressive: In article <7lt73f$25ti@news2.newsguy.com> dflync01@louisville.edu wrote... > > : > IQ is prog. Dream Theater is not. > > : IQ is lame. Dream Theater is not. > > IQ is lame. Dream Theater is lame. > > Ah, the richly detailed tapestry of Usenet. No it's not. You're an asshole. You're Hitler.


7/8/99 Mike (aka ProgBear) on rec.music.progressive: david lynch wrote: >>>Can anyone point me in >>>the direction of a cape of the sort favored by Rick Wakeman on his >>>record-breaking "Myths and Legends of King Arthur" ice tour, preferably >>>inexpensively? The only capes I see are goth-type vampire capes and >>>scottish capes, and are pretty darn costly. > >> Be industrious and make one out of aluminum foil. Crazy glue jelly beans >> to it for a splash of color. > >Nice idea, I have to admit, but a bit short on the durability. Not if you laminate it.


7/8/99 Bryan Lambert on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: On Thu, 08 Jul 1999 09:41:46 -0700, "Rachel Ward" wrote: >Ha! I met Jeffrey Johnson, and now I'm LIVING WITH HIM! Top that! I'm... not living with him? >Rachel >Separate rooms. Mine has a lock. Somewhere between The Odd Couple and Three's Company lies... WWW.DAVIS.CA The exciting, new, hip Internet comedy, this fall on CBS. Watch as wacky, afficanced hipster Rachel tries to cope with life, love, and bird droppings when she moves in platonically with a guy she met in an AOL Web BBS Chat Room. It'll be a T1 of fun! Bryan "Shoot me. Now." Lambert


7/12/99 Joe Mcglinchey on rec.music.progressive: On 12 Jul 1999, Whatdaumm wrote: > I was listening to a little bit of Captn and Tenilles "Where are they > now" on Vh1. And I started listening and it sounded alot to me like > prog!! Only difference was it was "Bright Sentimental romantic prog" > Another thing you can tell they are prog they have a moog stacked on > their grand piano. Well, on that VH-1 feature I believe they admit "Do That to Me One More Time" is based on a lengthy footnote in Parahamda Yogananda's four-part Shastric scriptures.


[Editor's Note: Believe it or not, there's actually a Paula Abdul trivia game held monthly in an internet chat room. And believe it or not, those responsible were dumb enough to spam rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc about it. Here are some responses from 7/13/99:] Julia Sober writes: Alan Brandt wrote: > >jamyzqua@my-deja.com wrote in message <7mbjs2$b46$1@nnrp1.deja.com>... >> >>Once a month fans gather for Interactive Paula Abdul Trivia! > >...and they hang their heads in shame? > >>Paula Abdul Trivia is brought to you by The Paula Abdul Information >>Station > >(Paula Abdul is a production of Paula Abdul Enterprises, Inc. Paula Abdul, >Paula Abdul Light and all Paula Abdul Pork Sausage Products names are >copywrite 1986 by Paula Abdul Consolidated, a division of Past-Time, dba >Has-Been Celebrities, and the Los Angeles Lakers) Paula Abdul not included. ----- Mike Ralls adds: > Once a month fans gather for Interactive Paula Abdul Trivia! Both of them? ----- and "dgale" plays the home game with: Mike "Cold Hearted Snake" Ralls wrote: > > > Once a month fans gather for Interactive Paula Abdul Trivia! > > Both of them? Complete Transcription of the Interactive Paula Abdul Trivia Chat Room ***Paula4Evr has joined ILuvPaula : OK, Let's start the Monthly Interactive Paula Abdul Trivia game. Paula4Evr : Me first, me first. I wanna go first this time. ILuvPaula : k Paula4Evr : What basketball team was Paula a cheerleader for before becoming an international superstar. ILuvPaula : Lakers! ILuvPaula : The Los Angles Lakers! Paula4Evr : *ding* 5 points for you! Paula4Evr : Good job. Your turn. ILuvPaula : Did you know that Paula did the choreography for The Running Man (the movie Arnold Shwartzinegger)? Paula4Evr : That's not a question. ILuvPaula : But did you know that? Paula4Evr : Umm . . . yes! ILuvPaula : *ding* 5 points for you [1/2 hour passes] Paula4Evr : . ILuvPaula : . Paula4Evr : I gotta go. Same time next month? ILuvPaula : k. But this time *I* get to go first. ***ILuvPaula has left ***Paula4Evr has left


[Note: This post started out with Odie just mentioning how vol 23 of her encylopedia set has gone missing, and kind of took off from there. The whole post was funny, but I've edited it down to just the bits that made me laugh until my jaw hurt] 7/13/99 Christine (aka odiepal, aka Mistress Odie) on r.a.t.m.m: ...[snip]... Also, CNN needs more nudity. They teased us one night where Lynn Russel's nipple peaked out for half of the night but since then they've been bundling up all their anchor-women like eskimos. This is NOT how quality news programs should be run. My friend Devin got engaged. I want a ring on my finger. I want to knock her out and take her place. I don't know if her fiance will notice. Men aren't the most observant of creatures. It's so sweet. [snip] But the moral here is, and I say this with all due respect, my coworker has a nice ass. Really. I never noticed until today. Where have I been for 3 months? No, wait. That's not it. The moral here is, 23 is evil. E-V-I-L and the book obviously got up and went to some Satanic Book Meeting to converge with other books. [snip] Look. It's a pencil, Christine


7/13/99 ucfkevin@aol.com (UCFKevin) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Hehe...I'm rather familiar with the "holier than thou" attitude that exudes from a cat. My roommate recently brought his cat from home and I realized why I liked dogs more. Cats don't do shit! They sleep all damn day, then at like 4 in the morning they scamper around chasing invisible mice and pooping for the 10th time in as many hours in the litterbox. You pet the damn thing and it just decides to up and leave. Of course, not like it doesn't have a right to leave. I mean, it's a cat. Owning a cat means one thing. TORTURE! I always thought it was dogs that are scared to death of vaccuums. Nay, I was wrong. Cats are also prone to urinating when a vaccuum is activated near it while it's being held prisoner under a laundry basket. I mean, when it's just sitting on the couch.Yes. That's what I meant.


On 7/14/99, James "Scotch Magictape" LeMosy entered rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc and approached the following joke from two directions simultaneously: Peter Milan wrote in message > > Dawn Acevedo wrote in message >> Bryan Lambert wrote: >> >>> "NesQuik"? >>> >>> "NesQuik"??????? >> >>I know what you mean. I saw someone at the office with a NesQuik and I was >>like "NESQUIK??? Since when did Quik become NesQuik?" > > We all voted on it. Don't you remember? Right about the same > time of the Cokepsi Accord. [tries to say "Cokepsi" and accidentally swallows his tongue] GAK! *OR* > > We all voted on it. Don't you remember? Right about the same > > time of the Cokepsi Accord. > > I can't even pronounce Cokepsi, let alone remember voting it. I think it's pronounced COKE-sigh. Evidently the Coca-Cola company is moving into the highly-lucrative carbonated beverage/paranormal phenomenon field.


7/15/99 Sean McFee (aka The Irish Bastard) on rec.music.progressive: progrocktv@hotmail.com is to machines what machines are to men: > CD PURCHASE JUSTIFICATION EXCUSES-THE MAIL ORDER EDITION > Alright this is the sequel to the "Festival" version. Let's take a look > at the excuses we give our > wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends/friends/parents when we buy TONS > of Progressive CD's through the various mail order retailers See, if you find yourself using excuses that's why you have a problem. The best thing to do to maintain a healthy and happy relationship is to wait for the wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/friend/parent (heretofore or foreafter or whatever to be referred to as the "tool") to dare to question your infallible decision to purchase music. Because the more you buy, the bigger your dick is. Anyway, once the tool questions your purchasing decision, merely point out the one thing in life they do wrong and harp on it for hours. For example, "Honey, you just got 30 CDs from Greg Larson, and now Matthew Martens is driving to our house tomorrow and renting a van to bring up your latest order. The baby's out of formula and the hydro is being cut off. Do you think you could cut down on the CDs please? For me? For US?" "Listen, bitch, maybe if you weren't out buying SMOKES all the time we would have money! Don't start stepping on my toes, because I've been listening to Magma all morning and feel like a ritual execution!" "But I quit smoking five years ago!" "Shut up, or I'll get the gun!" Once you learn this reasonable method of conflict resolution you will no longer need these humorous, yet ultimately inefficient excuses. > (special thanks to my wife Julia for thinking up #7, she is sure good at > making things like this up) Tell her I'm just kidding about the gun, or it'll come back to haunt you at trial.


7/15/99 Christine (aka Mistress Odie) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Mistress Mellie wrote: > Boo to fake milk! Boo to soy! I had to grow up on soy because Mummie >Dearest didn't breast feed me and I couldn't handle regular formula. >::twitch:: Rubber nipples disturbed me, Mistress. I cried until they >let me drink from cups. I think I just couldn't stand rubber in my >mouth. Now it's my idea of a good date. lmaoo! Rubber tastes okay. Latex tastes fair. If it has a coating on it such as lubricant, it tastes like shit. Both stick to the gums. Listen to Aunt Odie. She knows more than she admits to.


7/19/99 David Kuznick on rec.music.progressive: In article , "Novella" wrote: > > Sideshow Bill wrote > > > >Novella - regardless of your gender, I could kiss you !!!! > > > > Okay ! But no tongues though. I leave that sort of thing to my > wife.... You're gonna let your wife tongue-kiss Bill?


7/21/99 Christine (aka odiepal, aka Mistress Odie) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Mistress Mellie wrote: >I'm building something for my Mistress Odie... Something... Not quite >right... >And here's the trailor... ::touched sniffle:: Oh, Mistress! That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! And the creepiest! I love how you take all the wrong and incriminating things I say to you at 2am on AIM and post them out of context for the world to see! ===# Random One-Sided Conversation: MaidOdie: Iím going to get something to drink! BRB! Poke something if you get bored! ky mellie: ::avkles:: ky mellie: lol! I will. ::pokes your vagina:: ky mellie: Ow! Thereís a key in here. ky mellie: ::shoves hand in, swirls it about:: Hmm... and a milk dud. ky mellie: ::prod, twirl:: This either a gummy worm or a slug.. Ooh! Bits of plaster! ky mellie: ::drags it out:: ky mellie: Oh, fuck, I was wrong. Itís half a wrench, a bit of play-doh, a key, and eight mother-of-pearl buttons you had packed in there.


7/26/99 Rob Fontenot (aka The Midnight Rambler) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: > >Sheryl Gere wrote: > >> The Midnight Rambler wrote: >> > >> >Sheryl Gere wrote: >> > >> >> Sheryl, besides Coolatas are just overpriced Slurpees >> > >> >Heh. >> > >> >*whispering in Sheryl's ear* "They will all die by Icee Bear's hand." >> >> Icee Bear? What's that? > >Icees are the greatest frozen drink known to man. Better than those >dye-filled Slush Puppies, those wussy Slurpees, and that admirable but >pale imitation, Frozen Coke. Icees are guaranteed to drop your core >temperature 20 degrees, whether you like it or not, so watch out. They're >always available in two flavors, Coke and not Coke. (Usually the not-Coke >is a Strawberry, but Coke fiend that I am, I barely pay attention.) Icees >are perfectly cold and not too sweet... if you've ever had a really cold >Coca-Cola on a blistering hot day, one so cold that it hurt going down, >and you asked yourself, "How could this get any better?" Icees are. >The Icee Bear is their fun-loving mascot of this semi-drink. He's a big >smiling polar bear with a sweater on, so you KNOW that motherfucker just >had an Icee. What polar bear would need to wear a sweater?


7/28/99 Jerry Hull on alt.fan.frank-zappa: On Wed, 28 Jul 1999 16:55:14 -0400, (Ron Spiegelhalter) wrote: >Ron Spiegelhalter heeft geschreven... >> Theistically Libertarian? Seriously though, since FZ doesn't seem to >> have labeled himself religion-wise, it's difficult to do so now with any >> degree of authority. >> >> How about "Composer"? That's one of the few labels I know FZ was willing >> to place on himself. ;) > >Actually, now that I've given it more thought, I think "Secular Humanist" >would be the most accurate term. How about "Speculum Humorist"?


7/28/99 Brewing Tea on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: > > In the Tampa Bay area, "The Blair Witch Project" opens this Friday... > > > > And, yes, I already have my ticket. But, we get a special treat! Dan > > Myrick and Michael Monello (the co-director and co-producer, > > respectively) will be at the theater! Supposedly, there will be a Q&A > > session, too! > > > > So, does anyone have any questions they want asked? :) > > Yes, ask them if they like ham. I have a ham in the fridge that I've been > trying to get rid of. It's good ham but I'm never going to eat all of it. Them: "Ok, we have time for one more question... You there." Me: "Hi. Would you like some ham?" Me: "Michael Clear can't finish his ham..." Me: "He's real! Michael Clear is real, and he HAS TOO MUCH HAM!!!!!"


7/29/99 Mike Dickson on rec.music.progressive: In article <4FEA5C47AEAAD2119D6300A0C982C1D102CA763F@ftp.dataframe.net> sdavmor@rocketmail.com wrote... > You probably just came from your secret inner sanctum where the acolytes > polish the Mellotron daily, with the softest of kid leather, to keep it > absolutely perfect for you. Lucky Bastard! > So how is the baby these days? Do you get to play it as much as you'd > like? Oh it's fine, gets played daily, cleaned every month and is being occasionally gigged, even. Better yet, it has just newly got a Hammond and a Leslie to keep it company round here. I'm going to try to get them to mate.


[Editor's note: I don't know if this one was intended as humor, but it made me laugh out loud...] 7/29/99 Martyn on rec.music.progressive: A couple of years ago I remember watching some documentary on television about the supposed beneficial effect of listening to music on the brain. I don't remember exactly but I think the music stimulated brainprocesses in some sort of way. Because of the fact that they took Mozart as an example or even used his music in the research (I think it is called the Mozart effect actually) I was wondering if the fact whether or not this effect occurs has something to do with the kind of music one is listening to. If the outcome of the resarch would only be positive when tested on the natural sounding, self-evident, full of consonances music of Wolfie. And what about Prog then? The polyrythms, the odd time signatures, the frequent change of time signatures, the dissonances. Most prog music is far from natural sounding but instead full of surprises. Could it be that instead of benefiting our brainfunctions listening to prog will slowly drive us retarded or even crazy? I do consider some of the recent postings at least an indication for this.


7/29/99 Joan S. on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: I used to think that back hair was just a joke, that it was just a little more hair than other men had..... boy was I wrong. Back hair is real, and it thrives in the Midwest... I had never seen back hair until I came to OfficeMax. Not only do some men who shop there have back hair, but they show it off in tank tops, as if to say, "My woolly coat won me blue ribbon at the fair!" Chris Cooper added: I currently work at an athletic club and I have to clean the men's locker room quite often. If you think that those backs look hairy with tank tops on, you should see the horror that is a naked man with enormous amounts of back hair! I can recall at least once or twice that I thought a grizzly bear had gotten loose and was runnning amok in the club.


7/29/99 Lori Holuta on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Dr Nuncheon cursed... > In article <7nqbo6$34k$1@msunews.cl.msu.edu>, > Lori Holuta wrote: > >Greg Gershowitz queried... > >> On Thu, 29 Jul 1999 08:55:34 -0700, "U2shark" > >> wrote: > >> > >> Speaking of which, I know the new European "dollar" is the Euro, > >> but what about the small change? > > > >Euroettes? > > No, that's the [bleep]ing medical condition I [bleep]ing have, that makes > you [bleep] [bleep]ing swear uncon[bleep]ingtrollably when you're > discussing the [bleep][bleep] goat[bleep]ing uncle[bleep][bleep][bleep]ing > European [bleep] currency issue. No, that condition is known as SouthParkinson's. Euroettes are the small change you use to by a roll of Mentos. The FreshMistress


7/29/99 Dannielle Dirienzo on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Check out this: http://www.emeraldsys.com/camera.htm It's a live netcam of downtown Spooner, Wisconsin...try not to get swept up in the excitement.


8/2/99 c. bourgeois (aka Nuveeeeena) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: [about the success of the low-budget movie "The Blair Witch Project"] That's it. I am going to cobble together my Thanksgiving videos together with 7 year old Jesse's footage of little brother Zane picking his nose. It's very lifelike. And you can't imagine the horror. See ya at the box office!!


[editor's note: Over on rec.music.progressive, a thread started about progressive Christian rock. This, of course, lead to a lengthy debate about religion in general (would you expect anything less on USENET?). I started ignoring the thread, but when it was still active several days later, I decided to check in and see how it was going. Needless to say, it had gotten much less serious...] 8/4/99 kortbein@iastate.edu (Josh Kortbein) on rec.music.progressive: Hal Holbrook (gaysex@catholic.org) wrote: : Thus spake Guy Berger: : >Dave Lynch wrote: : > : >>Because Jesus doesn't PLAY monopoly. "It's a : >>kiddie game", he says. He prefers poker. : > : > Everybody knows that. How else could he support that expensive cocaine : >addiction? : "Uno", perhaps? "Ha! Wild card, BIATCH!!!!"


[Note: Some nitwit wrote a letter to the editor of something called "The New Times" to claim that he's actually seen the fictional Blair Witch. One part just cried out for a response...] 8/4/99 Marycarlyn on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: This was our favorite part: >Do not go into the woods at Blair. Do not go into the woods at night. >Do not go into the woods at night. Do not go in there. It really DOES have a faintly "Seussian" tone to it, don't you think? Say...how *would* it sound if Dr. Seuss wrote BWP? Well, I think it would go something like this......... >Do not go into the woods at Blair. Do not go into the woods at night. >Do not go into the woods at night. Do not go in there. Do not go in there with some ham, Do not go in there with some spam. Do not go in there with a box, Do not go in there to find a fox. NEVER go into the woods at Blair, Never EVER go in there!


8/10/99 "eelboy" on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: T. Groan wrote in message > > furplay wrote in message > > joystick from Radio Shack (does ANYONE actually buy ANYTHING from that > > store??). > > My 2 biggest peeves about Radio Shaft: > > 1. Their merchandise is overpriced; > > 2. Their clerks ALWAYS ask you for your name and address when you make a > purchase! Even when you pay in cash! Just so they can send their sorry > fliers to clutter your mailbox. 2 things you can do: 1. Pay in cash and tell `em your name is Johnny Cash. 2. Tell them you don't like to give out your name and address and offer them a stool sample instead. This one works like a charm.


8/12/99 Minor13th on alt.fan.frank-zappa: ubermolch@aol.com (Ubermolch) wrote: >Zoogz Rift wrote: >> >>Now please go back to talking about me. Thank you. >> >>It's great to be back. >> >>Ha ha. > -insert noise of eyes rolling here- Squleurrrrchhhh.


8/12/99 TIMOTHY GUEGUEN on rec.music.progressive: Nicholas Delonas (delonas@cultv.com) wrote: : gaysex@catholic.org says... : > Cool! Are you really a robot? : I'm not sure, but I've been accused of it so often that I do have to : wonder. : > Robots are awesome, dude. I wish I had a : > robot, then it could, like, cook breakfast, and stuff. : I'm more the lounge around and annoy type. BENDER!


8/12/99 Adam Levin on rec.music.progressive: On 12 Aug 1999, Cecrle wrote: > Glancing at adverts lately, I've seen CD-players for sale that have more > than just the 2 standard speakers.....There's a little center one, maybe > others for the sides... > > What does it choose to play in the center speaker? Jim Nabors' _Precious Memories_ on endless repeat.


[note: The following is about a quote from a Sci-Fi channel executive. The Sci-Fi channel is not real popular around RATMM anymore, since they canceled MST3K...] 8/12/99 The Midnight Rambler (aka Rob Fontenot) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Jason Bacon wrote: > (his name is Josh Greenberg, Marketing and Creative Vice > President, another name to add to the hate list.) goes on to say this: Ah! I speak network. Allow me to translate. > "Why the redesign? You choose to do it when you look at the channel > one day, and saw, 'Wow, look'n a little tired." "Our ratings are dropping." > A redesign speaks to that. They put alot of money into original > programming launched in March > of this year for SCI FI Prime. The redesign and the first full night of > original programming signals a shift in SCI FI Channel from a retro > feeling network to a forward thinking and original programming based > one. "We've dredged up all the old stuff we can at this point. And Turner's got the goddamned ape movies." > We're definitely interested in reacher a younger audience--maybe > because we are younger. I would like people to realize that SCI FI > Channel is modern, relevant, and relates to their lives in ways they > didn't realize: It isn't just aliens and people flying around in space. "We have to justify 'Big'. We paid a lot of money for that." > There's a whole other SCI FI audience out there. The future of SCI FI > isn't William Shatner; it's Traci Lords (who shot an I AM SCI FI ad), and > we want these ads to reflect that." "Our demographic likes women with nice breasts. Well, off to do a line."


8/16/99 Michael Pierry on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Michael Gula wrote: > > If I didn't know better... > > I would say these lyrics REEK of LSD. Lead Singer Disease?


[note: This one comes from a period on alt.fan.f-z when everyone was accusing everyone else of posting under fake names. It helps alot if you've heard the song "Why Don't You Like Me?"] 8/16/99 raymondo santangelo (aka Ninja) on alt.fan.frank-zappa: gula is revrend ninja is budie im so confused now get me a pepsi


8/17/99 Jeff McD on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: I was at the San Diego Comic Con last weekend. For those of you who don't know, it's the biggest Comic-Con in the US (or at least in the top 3) and a lot of big sci-fi people show up. What was the first thing I saw walking in the door, a booth set up with representatives of the Sci-Fi channel. Heh heh heh. I walked up and the head rep. with astounding perkiness said, "Do you watch Farscape?" I replied, "...No." She said, "Well...if you promise to watch it, I'll give you this free T-shirt!" I told her that I would promise to watch it if she promised to put MST3K back on the air. She frowned. I was the first person to talk to her in the whole convention. I could see the realization wash across her face that the majority of Comic and Sci-Fi fans are MST3K fans, and she was about to have 4 days of dealing with people like me. ----- Nick Zbu replied: "If you promise to watch it?" I SMELL BLOOD IN THE WATER!


8/18/99 Bill Livingston on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Previously on "Nick at Night", Greg Gershowitz wrote: >On Thu, 12 Aug 1999 20:27:20 -0700 (PDT), Katherine Evans wrote: >>Why you lucky bastard! > > Yes! I am a lucy bastard. Read my book! Really? Did Desi ever find out?


8/18/99 Fosfato on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Cat Diary DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving,incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.... DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.


8/19/99 Randall A. Golden on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Peter Milan is Kevin DuBrow in "Good Will Hunting": >My profanity-laded rant will be separated from the rest of this >message by spoiler space. Feel free to bash your head against >something hard while you wait. That's what I'll be doing. > >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. >*wham* Ow, quit it. > >Okay. That's enough.


8/23/99 Rob LaDuca on rec.music.progressive: OK, I admit it, I've got a soft spot for the Moody Blues (especially the first 7 & Long Distance Voyager)...mmm...memories of making out with college girlfriends.... Anyway, if anyone out here in r.m.p. land will deign to admit to buying their new release "Strange Times", how is it? I mean, I'm not looking for weird shit in 23/16 time here (got my Dr. Nerve for that), just good songs with nice melodies and harmonies and some interesting symphonic arrangements. Is any of that cheezy but nonetheless cool mystic element back? Or is the new album strictly a commercial attempt to get menopausal women moist?


8/23/99 Judy Clay on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: James LeMosy wrote: >Having completed my 11 day job at this year's Iowa State Fair, I must say >that this year's festivities contained perhaps one of the most disturbing >things I have seen in my life. Those of you who recall me talking about >the fair a while ago might remember my unofficial slogan "We've Got a Cow >Made Entirely From Butter!" Now...this would be disturbing enough as it is >(and it is slightly un-nerving when seen in person), but there was a second >sculpture at this year's fair that has to be wrong in some way or another. >In the window next to the Butter Cow was.... > >...wait for it... > >The Butter Last Supper. I'm sure DaVinci would be so f**king proud. "Take this all of you and eat it, for this is my body, heavy in cholesterol and oils"


8/27/99 Jerry Hull on alt.fan.frank-zappa: On Thu, 26 Aug 1999 18:21:14 -0400, Michael Gula wrote: >I have encountered a number of people of above-average >intelligence who, for one reason or another (e.g., dyslexia), do >not spell, write or type well. Go srwec yuorslef.


[This is from the Mike Keneally group - Marc Zeigenhagen is a keyboard player who was on Mike's "We're Not Here To Help" tour. Michael Pierry is one of the regular posters to a.m.m-k] 8/26/99 Marc Ziegenhagen on alt.music.mike-keneally: I have been alerted, via e-mail, by a well respected newsgroupie who shall go namelss, that I've been mispelling Nonkertompf quite frequently in here and other locations. I'm turning myself in to the spelling police this evening. I don't know if I can make bail. In the meantime, I've been given a wonderful mnemonic device to assist me whenever I have the disposition to spell the name of Mike's new album correctly, and I thought I'd share it with you all now on this oh so very important evening: "Nonstop Onanism (Noodle Knocking) Eventually Ruined Two Of Michael Pierry's Fingers." Thank you, newsgroupie, wherever you are. ----- In response, Michael Pierry wrote: Marc Ziegenhagen wrote: > > "Nonstop Onanism (Noodle Knocking) Eventually Ruined Two Of Michael > Pierry's Fingers." Wow. I've been staring at this for about five minutes trying to figure out what to say about it. I should be thrilled that my name is there, but it could've been about something nicer than my alleged compulsive masturbatory habits. Then again, who am I to argure with the implication that the gods saw fit to bestow upon the 12-year-old brain of Mike Keneally (a good, what, 6 or 7 years before I was born) an acronym for a sentence describing the ultimate fate of my digits as a result of excessive self-stimulation?


8/27/99 Adam Levin on rec.music.progressive: On Fri, 27 Aug 1999, Bob Eichler wrote: > On Fri, 27 Aug 1999 03:18:08 GMT, gaysex@catholic.org (Hal Holbrook) wrote: > > > >Pat Leonard's involvement didn't hurt at all, if you ask me. > > Hmmm, I know nothing of this Pat Leonard. I see from ATD's credits > that he played keyboards and arranged the choir. What else has he > been on? Madonna's pelvis.


8/30/99 "DAVID" on rec.music.progressive: The Kinder, Gentler Bastard wrote: >Adam is to machines what machines are to men: >>> Doug is to machines what machines are to men: >>>> A while back, I put together a poll of the best prog albums of all time >>>> (http://www.bgsu.edu/~dmaynar/pollresults.html). I want to re-do this >>>> poll, but broken down by decade, since there are a lot of folks who ask >>>> for the best stuff from a particular time period. >>> >>> No offense, everyone, but enough with the freaking polls? > >> Shouldn't we have a vote on that? > > Yeah, sorry. > > Everyone, please e-mail me your top ten choices for whether or not >we should continue having polls. > > Sample votes might include: > >1) No >2) Yes >3) Absolutely >4) I can't decide >5) Please provide more information >6) Bill Clinton >7) Pete Trewavas > > Votes should be sent in no particular order. I vote for 3) and 4) and Mick Pointer Hope this helps Dave


9/1/99 Sean McFee (aka The Kinder, Gentler Bastard) on r.m.p: Hal is to machines what machines are to men: > Thus spake The Kinder, Gentler Bastard: >> This generally happens when you're very new to prog, and haven't >>yet hurt Marillion, Yes, Genesis, ELP, Crim, Rush and DT in their >>entirety. > Yeah, but isn't it FUN to hurt them? I haven't Freudian slipped like that in ages. But yes. Yes it is.


9/2/99 Henry Potts on rec.music.progressive: >Mike Dickson wrote: >>___thereverend@home.com wrote: > >>Howsabout this then? Post your top ten bands/albums/musicians/auto >>parts/whatever, excluding the following: >> >>Yes, Genesis, KC, Rush, DT, ELP, Marillion, IQ, Kansas, Pink Floyd. >> >>None of the members of these groups or their solo albums are >>allowed either. > >Ten bands: [snip] > >Ten albums [snip] > >Ten musicians [snip] > >Ten autoparts >Windscreen wiper blades >Windscreen wiper antifreeze fluid >Wheel nuts >Petrol caps >Sunroofs >CD players >Leather seat covering >Jon Anderson >Gear sticks >Fluffy dice


9/10/99 Biffy the Elephant Shrew on alt.fan.frank-zappa: In article <09099923.0424@hotmail.com>, swissblonde@hotmail.com wrote: >My name is Jennifer . I am 5'5 with long blonde hair and green eyes. I >weigh about 128 pounds, but am more on the athletic side. I like to do >all sorts of things. Anywhere from work on trucks and fishing to >cuddling and cooking. I am looking for a single white male between >18 and 25. Preferably not overweight. Hairy chests are a plus but >not a must. Hope to hear from you soon. Hi Jennifer, my name is Biffy . I am 2.5" long (not counting my tail), with short golden-brown fur and black eyes. I weigh about 60 grams, but am more on the arthritic side. I also like to do all sorts of things, from digging burrows to hunting grubs and termites. I have a hairy chest, also a hairy belly, hairy back and hairy sides. Hope to hear from you soon. Your pal, Biffy the Elephant Shrew @}-`--}----


[Editor's note: I had to include this one, just because I can't stand the band IQ...] 9/13/99 Robert Carlberg on rec.music.progressive: A note on pronunciation: "IQ" can be pronounced either "eye-kyew" or "ick."


9/14/99 John Winn on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: On Tue, 14 Sep 1999 18:57:31 GMT, kingrat315@hotmail.com (KR) wrote: >Anyway, the >other day a friend gave me this article from Spin that I thought was >funny enough to share with you all: > >THE TEEN YEARS: A GUIDE TO YOUR NEW LIFE *snipped* >6. A few words about lasers. > Laser pointers are not toys. That's why recent laws have >prohibited the "unlawful discharge of a laser." Before you discharge >your laser, think: "Am I unlawfully discharging this laser?" It just >makes sense. > *looks around, so as no one notices* Is the coast clear ? *nod* *Discharges his laser*


[Here's an unexpected follow-up to a post from several months ago that ended up in the first installment of these humor pages:] 9/15/99 scArA on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Dateline: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 23:07:38 GMT. It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, eichler@****.net (Bob Eichler) shouted into the darkness: >I don't remeber there being a song about UFOs on Zappa's Zoot >Allures. Once again, I think you're looking for Yes: Arriving >UFO from Tormato. Well, Bice, you know what they say, Zappa is basically Yes with a lot of poop jokes thrown in. --J(s)P. Ex-cre-men-ter-ia Plumb-a-tu-rus!


[Note: English isn't Geir's first language, and yet he still comes up with brilliantly surreal stuff like this:] 9/15/99 Geir Corneliussen on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Hoodoo wrote: > > On Wed, 15 Sep 1999 03:12:28 GMT, overcooked@REMOOOVE.netdirect.net > (0vercooked) wrote: > > >>Seeing arms where drugs weren't properly injected is quite disgusting. > > > >I have track marks from giving blood. > > I had to quit drinking because they found too much blood in my alcohol > system. I see. What can I twist out of this in order to spoil your joke? Hm... You might be an alcohol driven android, then! Yes, that's right, it's called an Andrunk. This droid will not be drunk since it's running on an alcohol based operating system. The first prototype selfcombusted. Don't ask me why. It's good to see the final product up and running this well. Your AI is really impressing, Mr. Andrunk.


9/16/99 kingrat on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: [...part of an impression of Joe Bob Briggs reading the phone book...] Now back to the phone book. Anderson, Angie... Hey, don't you think that people giggle every time they dial *69? I mean, someone at the phone company had a good night before deciding on that service...


9/16/99 Brock LaReau: the Wall Of Sound on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: On 15 Sep 1999 20:16:16 GMT, bertmarch@aol.comjunkstop (BERTMARCH) wrote: >Michael Clear wrote: >>WonderBraWoman wrote in message >>news:7rod14$hlo$1@nnrp1.deja.com... >>> In article <7rmkid$sp6$4@hammer.msfc.nasa.gov>, >>> bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) wrote: >>> > Previously on "Short Attention Spanb Theater", Matt Elcock wrote: >>> > >On Tue, 14 Sep 1999 14:08:47 -0500, "Joel Cunningham" wrote: >>> > > >>> > >>Wooo! Crow was SO high. >>> > > >>> > >HOW HIGH WAS HE??? >>> > >>> > He was so high that the mice were all hunchbacked. >>> >>> He was so high Robert Downey Jr looked sober. >> >>He was so high he thought "The Nanny" was funny. > >He was so high he thought it was a good thing that David E. Kelley was >producing his version of 'Charlie's Angels' aka 'Snoops'. I'm probably the only person who saw advertisements for "Snoops" and thought.."Hey...that's 'Spoons' spelled backwards!" ummmm... just go about your business


[Note: These messages come from a thread on alt.fan.frank-zappa, where the album You Are What You Is was being discussed. Specificly, the question was whether the song "Jumbo Go Away" encouraged voilence towards women.] 9/17/99 johan.lif@swipnet.se (Johan Lif) on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Peter de B. Harrington wrote: > Are you one of those who like to blame lyrics for the worlds' social > ills? No, I tend to blame Usenet posters. --- 9/16/99 Jerry Hull on alt.fan.frank-zappa: On Thu, 16 Sep 1999 14:03:45 -0700, ttuerff@pros1.com (Tom Tuerff) wrote: >In article <37DFCC22.D303C528@erols.com>, mikegula@MORESPAMerols.com wrote: >> >> A lot of people have observed that an artist's first album is >> often the best he will ever make--he had X number of years to >> accumulate and develop good material and then has to struggle to >> match that quality with his second album and he can't quite do >> it. Well, in that positive sense, YAWYI sounds as though it is >> FZ's first album--everything seems fresh and thoughtful. The >> recording is very carefully done with layer upon layer of >> overdubs resulting in very dense and imaginative arrangments. >Are you fucking kidding? You're entitled to your opinion and >everything but I've always thought YAWYI was about one side too >long. There's some genius stuff on here but an equal amount of >garbage. Do we really need a recording of Frank's kids singing >"Drafted?" I've never been a big fan of "Jumbo" or "Any Downers," >"If Only She Woulda," or "Charlie's Enormous Mouth." Well, we don't need any further avowals to calibrate the sensitivity of your aesthetic judgement. (All meant in good fun, de gustibus non disputandum est & all that, but boy do you suck!)


9/21/99 "Fish Eye No Miko" (Catherine Johnson) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Lori Holuta wrote in message <7s8fqr$sa5$1@msunews.cl.msu.edu>... >Michael Clear toyed thusly... >> David Thurston wrote in message >> >> > I want a killfile that works by just replying the word "PLOINK" >> > >> > Sci-Fi me! >> >> I want a killfile that toys with people before it PLONKs them. >> >> Sci-Fi this! > >I want a killfile that burps when I drop someone in it. >I want a killfile that doubles as an espresso maker. >I want a killfile that knows who the jerks are before I do. >I want a killfile that won't lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight. >I want a killfile big enough to hold every telemarketer in the country. > >Sci-Fi Me! I want a killfile that actually kills people. Catherine Johnson. What?


9/21/99 "WonderBraWoman" (Jules) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: How it would go if I called the psychic hotline... HOST: Hello? JULES: *sob* *sniff* *hic* HOST: Hello caller... are you there? JULES: Yea yea yea... Jeeezus... *hic* ... MADAME: How can I help you? JULES: *sob* My name iz Joolz... *hic* Welll..... I yuh.... *hic* MADAME: I'm picking up that you have suffered a broken heart... jilted by a lover? Divorce perhaps? JULES: Yer godddammm RIGHT I'm divorced! *hic* *sob* Yewl neverrr beLIEVE wha tha bas... MADAME: I sense that he left you, perhaps for another woman... JULES: *hic* Tha's amazzing! Yea the s. ohhh. b LEF me! LEFT me buh GOOD! I cann... (sound of breaking glass over the phone) JULES: godDAMMMIT! I dropppd my *hic* drriiiink. Be riiiight back... (sound of phone thudding to the floor... various curses and noises heard) HOST: Caller... please stay on the li... JULES: Ahm back! Now lesseeee... MADAME: I'm also picking up that you haven't had too many dates since the breakup. JULES: Jeeezus CHRISSSE yewre amazzzing! Yew mus be goddammmed psychic or somethin'! Itz like yew... *sob*.... yew... *sob* *hic*.... KNOW meeeeeeeeee! *wails* HOST: Jules, please, get a hold of yourself. Ask Madame U. R. Gul Ible your question... JULES: *hic* Okeyyyy... heeerez wha I wanna know... ryew lissning? *hic* MADAME: I'm here JULES: Okeyyyy... will I everrrr fine lufff againnn?... MADAM: Well, Jules, I don't see it. What I do see is a 12 step program... perhaps deep psycho-analysis... JULES: No frrikkin WAY! AHM FINE! *hic* Yew goddammed peeeple don' know wha yer TALkin about! Where didja go to skewwwwl?... Clown frikkin' COLLidge? Iyought ta' SUE yer ass for defa.... defa... frikkin' *hic* talkin' BAD abou' me! Whatta bunch of f...... (dial tone) HOST: Well, shall we go to the next caller? Hello caller?... Jules *hic*


[Editor's Note: I don't know what it is about the cancellation of Mystery Science Theater 3000 that brings out all these songs to the tune of American Pie, but here's another good one:] 9/17/99 "jt" on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Now that I've finally gotten around to seeing the last new episode, this was just a little thing I had to do.... The Saga Ends (Sung to the tune of "American Pie". No baked goods were harmed in the writing of these lyrics.) A long, long time ago At a station called KTMA Joel had robots made with chewing gum and string. And he knew if he had the chance He could make those robots dance And maybe even talk and laugh and sing. In '88, it came his time With a pilot called "The Green Slime". And soon the Brains were able To bring their show to cable. It lasted for ten years or so Tell me, where did all the magic go When the curtain fell to end the show? The day the riffing died. So... bye bye, MST on Sci-Fi No more making fun of movies, no more clowns in the sky Them good old boys, with humor witty and wry Saying, "Oh no, we've got movie sign!" "Oh no, we've got movie sign!" Now, do you remember Deep 13 And a doctor dressed in fluorescent green Who'd torture Joel with films and shorts? Oh, do you remember TV's Frank That impish, spit-curled man in black Whom Clayton killed without remorse? And do you recall in Season Five When Gypsy thought Joel was gonna die? She shot him into space Oh, Mike was sent up in his place... And though he had big shoes to fill He took command with ease and skill. He kept the show alive until The day the riffing died. We were singing... bye bye, MST on Sci-Fi No more making fun of movies, no more clowns in the sky Them good old boys with humor witty and dry Saying, "Oh no, we've got movie sign!" "Oh no, we've got movie sign!" Now, when Clayton lost the funding for The satellite that we adore This is how he broke the news... He said to Mike and Crow and Tom, "I'm moving home to live with Mom," As he shut their power off and cut 'em loose. And at the end of "Laserblast" They'd reached the edge of space at last. They became points of light And flew off into endless night... It might have ended there, but no 'Cause Sci-Fi gave us back the show With Pearl and Brain Guy and Bobo Until the riffing died. We were singing... bye bye, MST on Sci-Fi No more making fun of movies, no more clowns in the sky Them good old boys with humor witty and wry Saying, "Oh no, we've got movie sign!" "Oh no, we've got movie sign!" I was feeling melancholic When I saw "Danger Diabolik" Knowing that the end was near. I saw a robber brave and bold Who ended up encased in gold Then the SOL broke up in the atmosphere. I couldn't help but wonder whether Crow would ever find his sweater. The crash made such a loud noise. Was this the end for our boys? But no, my friends, they're doing fine They're living on the transit line Still riffing films from time to time... But, for us, the riffing died. That's why we're singing... Bye bye, MST on Sci-Fi No more making fun of movies, no more clowns in the sky Them good old boys, with humor witty and dry Saying, "Oh no, we've got movie sign!" "Oh no, we've got movie sign!" We were singing... bye bye, MST on Sci-Fi No more making fun of movies, no more clowns in the sky Them good old boys with humor witty and wry Saying "Oh no, we've got movie sign!"


9/22/99 Sarah "Bookworm" Heiner on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: "EvilJen" wrote: [Editor's note: minor rant snipped because it wasn't vital to the joke.] >it sucks when the place you went to get a good laugh and be cheered up does >nothing but piss you off. > > EJ, whine whine whine, gripe gripe gripe. Well, there's your solution right there, EJ. Wine wine wine, grape grape grape. Is your newsgroup letting you down? Try booze! After just a few glasses, other people's posts are 10% more witty. And *your* posts are *50%* more witty! Now you can *really* impress the newsgroup denizens! This message brought to you by the Booze Council.


[And now for a fascinating and 100% factually correct history lesson from Mistresseses Mellie, Odie and Grasso. I've compiled about a dozen messages posted 9/22/99 on rec.arts.mst3k.misc into one long text:] Subject: life, liberty, happiness, and a fat blunt "K-Y Mellie" aka Mistress Mellie wrote: You know that whole "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happinesss" thing? Is that in the constitution or the declaration of independence? Also, has it ever been used in a drug case? You know, guy gets caught with an ounce or eight of pot or maybe a couple of cannabis plants and he claims it's perfectly okay because it's well within his right to pursuit of happiness? If it's in the constitution, I mean? odiepal aka Mistress Odie aka Christine wrote: No, no, no. It's not in the Constitution or the Declaraction of Independance, smooey. It's on the Statue of Liberty, I'm almost certain. "Give us your tired, huddled masses and we'll give them life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, a fat blunt, and a coin to throw across the Potomac River, just like Nixon did." And my dad teaches history so I should know. "K-Y Mellie" wrote: No, no, no, no. You're thinking of the Emancipation Proclamation. The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor, your hungry, and your wallet and you won't get hurt." And Nixon didn't throw the coin across the Potomac, he threw his wife, Checkers. He made a big speech about it during one of his fireside chats, remember? > And my dad teaches history so I should know. Pfft! Your dad makes you straddle cannons, which shows how much he knows about history. After all, Betsy Ross died from straddling a cannon. Or was it from the syphilis she got from Jefferson? Either way, I know straddling was involved. odiepal (Mistress Odie) replied: Hmm. You may be right about the Statue of Liberty, but Nixon *never* had any fireside chats. He was too busy repainting the green room after Abagail Adams painted it blue when Franklin stated CLEARLY it was to be Rain Forrest Green. Luckily, Pochohantas was there to help. >Pfft! Your dad makes you straddle cannons, which shows how much he >knows about history. After all, Betsy Ross died from straddling a >cannon. Or was it from the syphilis she got from Jefferson? Either >way, I know straddling was involved. Ew! That's sick! My father does NOT make me straddle cannons! I do it of my own free will and make othr RATMMers join in. And as for Betsy Ross, pfft! It is to laugh! After her book, 'Our Bodies, Ourselves' came out, she became a hermit and died alone in her bed, clutching Washington's wooden leg. From: "K-Y Mellie" wrote: Mistress Odie brought me apples from the vine and sang: >Hmm. You may be right about the Statue of Liberty, but Nixon *never* had >any fireside chats. He was too busy repainting the green room after Abagail >Adams painted it blue when Franklin stated CLEARLY it was to be RainForrest >Green. Luckily, Pochohantas was there to help. Isn't there a song about that? o/` Jefferson and Pocahontas had a torrid love affair / When Abby Adams tipped the press off / They said, "Bitch, Oh, no you did-UNT! o/` No, wait. That's the little-known introduction second amendment, which is the one that says: "Thou shalt not do thine sister-in-law on your wedding day." But it's so vague as to whether or not it means the sister-in-law you got when your brother married eight years before, or your spouse's sister, who would be sister-in-law you got when you married. That's why they had to repeal the 5th amendment, you know. All those people were drinking and doing. Which makes Mothers Against Drinking and Doing and Students Allowing Drunk Doing such great warring factors. In fact, the Mothers are the ones who shot Ford (a known Student sympathizer) at Lincoln's Theater that steamy July morning. Although what President Ford was doing at that overblown excuse for a strip club at 11am on a tuesday morning is beyond me. > Ew! That's sick! My father does NOT make me straddle cannons! I do it of > my own free will and make othr RATMMers join in. But who takes the pictures, love? That's right! Your DAD! > And as for Betsy Ross, pfft! It is to laugh! After her book, 'Our Bodies, > Ourselves' came out, she became a hermit and died alone in her bed, > clutching Washington's wooden leg. Damn it, what are they teaching in Virginia? She didn't become a hermit, she became an anchoress at St Paul's Cathedral's expansion chapel, St Osbert's 24-Hour Wedding Bazaar, which is completely different! And it wasn't 'Our Bodies, Ourselves' she wrote, but 'Fear of Flying.' And it wasn't Washington's wooden leg she had, but a life-sized mannequin of Hoover's lower body -- complete with action nub! She would rub the nub and mediate. That was one shiny nub. odiepal (Mistress Odie) answered: Mistress Mellie wrote: >Although what President Ford was doing at that overblown >excuse for a strip club at 11am on a tuesday morning is beyond me. Hell-o?! It was a FRIDAY morning! And Ford was there to see Jackie Kennedy in her new play. Pfft. I can't believe you don't know this. > But who takes the pictures, love? That's right! Your DAD! ::sputter:: So?! Sometimes my mom! Sometimes Laurelyn! It doesn't mean a THING! >And it wasn't 'Our Bodies, Ourselves' she wrote, but 'Fear >of Flying.' And it wasn't Washington's wooden leg she had, but a >life-sized mannequin of Hoover's lower body -- complete with action >nub! She would rub the nub and mediate. That was one shiny nub. No! You've gotten her completely confused with Susan B. Anthony, FDR's wife! Geez! She led the Israelites around the desert for 40 years and is the suspected writer of The Book of Revelations, also known today as The Bill of Rights. And as for 'Fear of Flying', pfft! That was written by Molly Pitcher, Johnny Tremain's wife. Who, as we all know, was later arrested on trumped-up charges of Disturbing the Peace when he claimed all along he was framed by Paul Revere. History. Learn it. "K-Y Mellie" came back with: Mistress Odie waved her quarter and wrote: > Hell-o?! It was a FRIDAY morning! And Ford was there to see Jackie Kennedy > in her new play. Pfft. I can't believe you don't know this. Now I know you're insane. Since when is dressing up like a nurse and plastering Lady Bird Johnson into a full-body cast considered a play? It's not! It was a kinky burlesque show and you know it! Although it was good in a way, since it gave Coolio his big break. > ::sputter:: So?! Sometimes my mom! Sometimes Laurelyn! It doesn't mean a > THING! It SO means things! It means that your parents and Laurelyn have some kind of kinky cannon-straddling fetish. Hmm... WEB SITE! :D > No! You've gotten her completely confused with Susan B. Anthony, FDR's > wife! Geez! She led the Israelites around the desert for 40 years and is > the suspected writer of The Book of Revelations, also known today as The > Bill of Rights. Excuse me? But who taught you your Campfire Girls lore, hmmm? That story isn't even in there! The closest thing I can find to it is the passage in Section III: Chapter 3 - Paragraph 9, where it tells the story of Amelia Bloomer and Queen Matilda of England leading an expedition around the Cape of Good Hope in search of cotton and tobacco from North America. Unfortunately, all they did was run into the Orient, where they found a bunch of worthless silks and spices. Pfft. Anyway, once they got there, they wrote a book called "Out of Africa," which is about Elizabeth Montgomery and Trent Reznor on a photo safari in Nairobi. Once there, they run into a gorilla named Koko and her kitten, Chulo. Somehow, they wind up in Egypt, where they and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle try to sacrifice Isaac. Duh. That's why they're on the quarter. Anyway, I'm surprised you didn't see the movie. I think it's called "Sixteen Candles" and stars some chick who can't keep her mouth closed. What's her name? > And as for 'Fear of Flying', pfft! That was written by Molly Pitcher Now Molly Pitcher is a woman after your own heart. All that woman ever did was straddle cannon after cannon. Of course, she did this at Queen Victoria's request. Did you know that Anais Nin is actually Queen Victoria's nome de plume? It's true! Ask Jess! He's the one who told me. Mistress "Michael Grasso" chipped in: > Now I know you're insane. Since when is dressing up like a nurse and >plastering Lady Bird Johnson into a full-body cast considered a play? >It's not! It was a kinky burlesque show and you know it! Although it >was good in a way, since it gave Coolio his big break. Girls, you haven't *lived* till you've seen Dolly Madison and Mary Todd Lincoln in "What the Secretary of War Saw." > It SO means things! It means that your parents and Laurelyn have some >kind of kinky cannon-straddling fetish. Hmm... WEB SITE! :D If you'd like to learn more about cannon-straddling Odies, consult your local library's computer section. >Somehow, they wind up in Egypt, where they >and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle try to sacrifice Isaac. Duh. Ah, yes. Unfortunately, you have your stories confused, melplagiarism. The "Isaac" to whom you refer is actually the bartender Isaac from the Love Boat, and the situation you detail happened in the famous Love Boat TV movie, "Mutiny on the Pacific Princess." You haven't lived till you've seen Dick Van Patten and Phyllis Diller fall in love, despite their teeth falling out from scurvy. And many a hardened heart cried when Bernie "Doc" Kopell was keelhauled for fondling the cabin boy, Serge. > Now Molly Pitcher is a woman after your own heart. All that woman >ever did was straddle cannon after cannon. Of course, she did this at >Queen Victoria's request. Did you know that Anais Nin is actually >Queen Victoria's nome de plume? It's true! Ask Jess! He's the one who >told me. Actually, melhysteria, that's untrue as well. Anais Nin was actually the pen name of Teamster President Jimmy Hoffa. His erotic tales of female sexual awakening were the reason he's currently buried under the end zone at Giants Stadium. Check your facts, meljaundicebirdie.


9/28/99 William Heiser on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Carl Burke wrote: > William Heiser wrote: > > KR wrote: > [re: big SOL model on sale at ebay] > > > Umm, can I borrow $2900 from one of you? I'll let ya come over and > > > look at it. NO! NO TOUCHING! *SMACK* :) > > > KR > > > > Well, I was planning on selling my underwear collection anyway. How > > much can I get for the Joe Namath netted slingshot briefs??? > > That depends. Is Joe still in them? Well, he left something in them, if that's what you mean. So, does that up the value any?


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