9/30/99 Jean on rec.arts.tv.mst3k:

Jeffrey Johnson wrote:
> >I can only presume that
> >it must be a generational thing.  Today, 8 track players seem sort of
> >silly, too.
> Which is odd, because at the time they seemed more like devices invented
> purely to allow my parents to torture me with endless loops of Ricky
> Nelson and The Carpenters.

It's the only advantage that parents have over their kids, Jeffrey.  We
just *know* that they will stuff us in a retirement community and feed
us lime jello until the end of days, and we're getting even, in advance.

> JSJ1TG, and to confuse me, too.  I mean, they only had four tracks!

And that's why we played them *twice*.  Buwahahahahaha.

9/29/99 Erin M. Evans on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Joe Blevins wrote: > * If George Bush were caught smoking crack in a whorehouse, would he > still get the nomination? Oh, that's not a political question at all! There's a running joke with me, my brother, and my dad. During Bob Dole's try, we kept imitating him and made him say stupid things. (Yes, I know that was redundant.) Ennyhoo, one day Dad said flatly, "Bob Dole wants to be your laughing president. Ha."

9/29/99 Kevin Mowery on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Joe Blevins wrote: >* The Taco Bell dog -- how long can the ride last? We'd need a very small jockey to answer that question.

9/30/99 "The Doctor" on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Joe Blevins wrote: >Hey, maybe we can milk this for another E! Online story. > >* If George Bush were caught smoking crack in a whorehouse, would he still get the nomination? That depends on whether any of the cracksmoking whores were 1) on welfare 2) Steve Forbes 3) Against the expansion of military spending. >* The Taco Bell dog -- how long can the ride last? What do you think is in the new "chalupas"?

9/30/99 Bryan Lambert on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: On 29 Sep 1999 18:51:59 PDT, Joe Blevins wrote: >* Is Christina Aguilera really as empty-headed as she seems? Nope. I hear she's got a fully equipped miniature recording studio in there that earwigs use to make Chris Gaines records. >* If George Bush were caught smoking crack in a whorehouse, would he >still get the nomination? Absolutely. Matching funds are designed to overcome character flaws. It's the American Way. >* Have I mentioned David E. Kelly yet? He seems to be rather popular >these days. I love his original, brilliant ideas like a movie about an underdog ragtag sports team. That gets eaten by a mutant croc.

[Here's a cute little flame war from rec.music.progressive, which went by the subject: Second Annual Usenet Sound Effects Competition] Date: Mon, 04 Oct 1999 11:54:52 -0400 gondola bob: (snore) gaysex@catholic.org (Hal Holbrook) wrote: (belch) Pizza: It's not just for breakfast anymore! gondola bob wrote: As ever, your preciousness is truly formidable. "CountV" wrote: As ever, your condescension is truly precious. gondola bob: Hey, he works very hard to earn it...I'm only rewarding him. gaysex@catholic.org (Hal Holbrook): If it's all the same to you, I'd prefer a blowjob.

10/4/99 kingrat315 on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: On Mon, 4 Oct 1999 11:06:51 -0700, "Fish Eye No Miko" wrote: >WonderBraWoman wrote in message <7tadhi$248$1@nnrp1.deja.com>... > >>I was listening to the radio this morning when an advertisement played >>for netzero.net. The announcer started out by basically describing >>Utopia: kids getting Ferraris at 16, streets paved with gold, etc... >>One of the things the announcer mentioned was: >> >>Fur lined underwear. >> >>Now, is this something that you'd *really* want? > >No. I've never understood the desire for "special underwear". I mean, >except for... "Special occasions", Yeah, like my annual Fourth of July run through the city wearing my red white and blue bikini briefs. Or my Christmas boxers with mistletoe waistband. And for Halloween I break out my 'Headless' Horesman novelty briefs. I'm not even gonna describe them, just use your imagination. Oh, quit it, that's disturbing. >no one's gonna see 'em, so shouldn't you >go for comfort and utitlity (and maybe even price) over looks and fancy >names? Give me Hanes her Way cotton briefs and I'm a happy woman. Give me your Hanes her way briefs and I'll be a happy man. :)

[Yet another cute little flame war from rec.music.progressive. This one starts out with a joke about the band National Health, which was named after bandmember Dave Stewart's glasses. Of course this was taken at face value by someone else...] Subject: Re: Are prog fans Conservatives or Liberals? david lynch wrote: If progressive music had been conservative, British healthcare would've been demolished by the early seventies, thus leaving Dave Stewart without those round glasses and, consequently, we never would've had "National Health". Why don't all you conservatives think THAT one over a bit, eh? Brook (drbrookerNOdrSPAM@yahoo.com.invalid) wrote: And I suppose you still need your mommy to dress you in the morning. Can't you socialists do anyhting for yourself? Why is it anyone's obligation to provide anything for you? Grow up and do something for yourself. To quote Emerson, "...there is a certain meanness in the argument of conservatism, joined with a certain superiority of fact." david lynch: Brook, people like you are why I leave the EXTRA-large rat-traps in my house. Even after I put up the huge signs saying "WARNING, RAT TRAP, DO NOT STEP IN" I still get two or three people a week walking right into them. It's not much, I know, but I still manage to raffle 'em all off to Pat Robertson at five cents a pound. Brook: HO HO HO...you got me...what a trap it was...well played Sherlocke. It's always best to hind behind the facade of a gimic response than to address an argument intellectually. Thanks so much for the lesson. :p ....now back to the music... CountV: > It's always best to hind behind the facade of a > gimic response than to address an argument intellectually. That would have required there to be an actual argument to begin with. gaysex@catholic.org (Hal Holbrook) (aka David Lynch): Thus spake Brook: >HO HO HO...you got me...what a trap it was...well played >Sherlocke. It's always best to hind behind the facade of a >gimic response than to address an argument intellectually. Dear Sir: Please address the following argument intellectually: You are a doodyhead. Please be certain to give full consideration to all the geopolitical and sociohistorical implications of my statement, and make sure you throw in an out-of-context quote from somebody with the same name as a prog-rock keyboardist, like Al Stewart or Kenny Ratledge or something, or else I will take it as proof that you are an even bigger doodyhead. Thank you.

[From the same 10/5/99 rec.music.progressive thread:] Bradley Evans wrote: Okay, allow me to qualify the previous comment by listing some of the more significant government expenditures I oppose: - All public funding of the "arts & entertainment" industries. This includes museums and art galleries, TV and radio stations, film studios, pro sports teams, artists of any kind, and other miscellaneous "clubs" or "cultural associations". TIMOTHY GUEGUEN wrote: Then get ready for a steady diet of Jerry Springer, pro wrestling, and anything else that can be created cheaply with little effort. gaysex@catholic.org (Hal Holbrook) wrote: You mean like the Internet?

10/5/99 Mike Ralls on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Mark Andrew Siefert wrote: > > Please someone cheer me up.... Look! CLOWNS! -- Mike Ralls Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do-do Stephen Cooke wrote: On Tue, 5 Oct 1999, Fish Eye No Miko wrote: > He said cheer him up, not make him want to kill himself! Look! DEAD CLOWNS!

10/6/99 thayer marie preece on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Your Best Interest writes: >words are actions? Really? How does that work? sounds like someone is confusing reality with irc. people, you really have to learn that saying "/me picks up her beer" is NOT gonna move your hand over to the bottle. you have to take you arm and actually grab ahold of that booze before you can pick it up. don't worry, it doesn't count as excercize. you needent fear that the pale, flabby figure you've worked so hard for by spending hour after hour chatting with strangers on the internet will shrivel up. i assure you, the calories you consume will vastly out- weigh those you use. ...booze, it's what's for dinner...

10/6/99 Alan Fleming on rec.music.progressive: I was watching CNN recently and they mentioned that 1/3 of Homosexuals in the U.S. were republicans (The U.S. version of Republicans). I was astounded, to me it was like hearing that 1/3 of Jews were Nazis. Pleasantly yours, Alan "I bet I just offended a couple of you" Fleming

[Warning: something to offend nearly everyone in this one.] 10/7/99 gaysex@catholic.org (Hal Holbrook) on rec.music.progressive: Thus spake Noah Samuel Lesgold: >It's true. All the rational republicans I know really do just hate >jews, blacks, asians, and homosexuals. They beat women regularly, >destroy the ozone, and pollute our precious bodily fluids. Yeah, but at least they don't fuck corpses like the Democrats do.

10/6/99 Joe "This guy should write a book" Blevins on r.a.t.m.m: Visonest wrote: > > HOW TO TURN SIX DOLLARS INTO SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS: HINT: It involves a Xerox machine. You want a _real_ get-rich quick scheme? Check *this* out! > > $ $ $ $ M A K E G O L D F R O M L E A D $ $ $ $ > > The MONEY-MAKING opportunity of the century has ARRIVED... > ...The _FIFTEENTH_ century, that is!!!! > > Ladies and gentlemen, I want to take this opportunity to introduce > you to the most important word you will EVER HEAR IN YOUR LIFE! > > That word is . . . . . . ALCHEMY!!!! > > Yes, Alchemy -- the Medieval MIRACLE that turns common substances > such as lead or discarded vegetable peelings into GOLD!!!!! > > You read right: GOLD. GOLD which YOU can SELL FOR MONEY!!!!!!! > MONEY which you can use to BUY such things as: > > * HOUSES!!! > * CARS!!! > * STACKS AND STACKS OF ASIAN PORNOGRAPHY!!!!!! > (and we're talking the good stuff here) > > Primitive scientists of the Middle Ages labored tirelessly to find > the so-called "philosopher's stone" that would turn lead into gold. > And now, their wisdom has been passed down to YOU THE CONSUMER!!!! > THEY'VE DONE THE WORK FOR YOU! All you have to do is SIT BACK AND > WATCH THE MONEY ROLL IN!!!!!! > > Why should you believe me? READ ON TO FIND OUT!!!!!!!! > > I was once a common ordinary slob like you, until I discovered > ALCHEMY!! And now, a mere TWO WEEKS later, I have amassed a > CONSIDERABLE BUT UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT OF MONEY!!!!! > > I know what you're thinking. "If this guy is so rich, why is he > still wasting his time sending spam to Usenet groups?" That is an > excellent question, and it shows that you have the INTELLIGENCE, > DETERMINATION, and DRIVE to be an INDEPENDANTLY WEALTHY ALCHEMIST! > > Let me give you my SINCERE non-binding GUARANTEE: > I SWEAR BY THE FOUR ELEMENTS (EARTH, AIR, FIRE, & WIND) THAT ALCHEMY > WILL IMPROVE YOUR CREDIT RATING, MAKE YOU MORE APPEALING TO THE > OPPOSITE SEX, AND (MOST IMPORANTLY) TURN LEAD INTO GOLD!!!! > > Send away TODAY for our ALCHEMY START-UP KIT!!!! > You get: > > * Two (2) philosopher's stones (one for home, one for the office) > * Robe > * Funny "mad scientist" wig > * Handbook, "ALCHEMY FOR DUMMIES" > * Cauldron > > Just send $100 in unmarked bills (no checks, money orders, etc.) to: > > ALCHEMY: THE WISDOM OF THE AGES > c/o Ralph "Cheeze Pimp" Lackimore > P.O. Box 2023 > Saltinas, CA 93904 > > For more information, e-mail me at: > cheezepimp@sexmachine.com > > Order within the next 90 days and receive A FREE BONUS!!!! > 32 oz. bottle of "ELIXIR OF LIFE," a potion that will CURE ALL KNOWN > DISEASES and enable you to LIVE FOREVER!!!!!!!!

[These haikus are brilliant, but it helps if you're familiar with the MST3K episodes (and history) involved] 10/11/99 Mike Barklage on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Subject: Re: Haiku? I'm fine, haiku? laurelyn@mindspring.com (Laurelyn Smith) wrote: > I've noticed a dismaying dearth of haiku around here in the past > 2.65 days. Haiku is effective against colds, flu, lycanthropism, > malaise and the vapors. At least some people's are. But until > they decide to chime in, here's what was running in my mind as I > tried to get to sleep last night after "The Projected Man" Tor gets caught in blast And puts a flag on the moon How did it get there? Big turtle breathes fire Plays xylophone on Zigra Sets new low for film THe MaStEr wANtS YoU FoR oNE Of hIs MaNy bRIdeS BUt hE cAn'T HaVe yOU Nightgown wrestling rules! Too bad the rest of the film Was fertilizer Cut-rate fantasy How much Keefe is in this film? Miles O'Keefe, of course MST's Movie Only released on twelve screens Make room for Barb Wire

[For non r.m.p readers, you just need to know that Henry Cow is an oft-discussed and very unusual band] 10/13/99 Victor on rec.music.progressive: AnalogMan wrote: >Has anyone ever heard of Henry Cow (the band)??? >Who are they similiar to? Yes, we have. They are not similar to anyone.

10/13/99 Mistress Odie on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: My Mistress Mellie wrote: > Wait. When did Joel become a Garbage fan? Can I do him? Joel? I'm >going to do you, buddy. ::do:: Oh, please. Pfft! I was doing him before you even knew who Garbage was! Remember the closets, Joel? And the coats? The good old days when free sex reigned in the hot closets of our lust? Wants too much, Christine

10/20/99 Mike Dickson on rec.music.progressive: In article <380BAAD2.FCED107A@bigplanet.com> cryptik@bigplanet wrote... > But, in reality, he is a HYPOCRITE! One minute he asks for oral sex > in the boiler closet at work, then the next, he's talking about the > Lord. And the difference would be?

[I have no idea what prompted this 10/24/99 thread on rec.music.progressive, but it's one of the funnier things I've read in a while:] Subject: Cd Rewinders? From: Robert Carlberg All of my CDs have been played through at least once, and I'm in desperate need of a rewinder so I can hear them again. Please help! I've looked everywhere. From: Gamantyo Hendrantoro Don't waste your money on a pricey rewinder. I suggest playing side two of all your CD's. That will bring them back to the beginning of side one. From: Paul Flackett What you need is one of the up-market players with auto-reverse. From: JD I just turn mine inside out. Sure they end up sounding like the Beatles on peyote, but WTF! From: Dgasque Or, do like I do and send the CD to someone in Australia who will play it in the other direction. It can then be returned to you for replay. I've tried the "turning the CD player over and playing it" trick. It only works if you turn your speakers upside down, which is impossible for me... =dg= (who spends upwards of $1k a year on Australian postage)

[And now the winner of the "one word response" category:] 10/27/99 "Gerard" on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Johan Lif wrote: > Gerard wrote: > > > I'm saying that their folk music is not reliant on it. > > How can you make such a sweeping statement about the folk musics of > Africa, India and China? Keyboard.

[Commenting on NBC's choices for '99 Sweeps Week programming:] 10/27/99 Tuttle on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Don't forget Y2K: THe Movie (the Trigger Effect on a larger scale) and Mary, Mother of Jesus (hopefully they took liberties...hardcore liberties)

10/27/99 Jim Ellwanger (aka Trainman) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: J. Christian Grymyr (aka ReaperG) wrote: >But why should Friday night be any different from the rest of Fox's >prime-time schedule, which has turned some of the season's most >anticipated new shows into some of broadcast television's most >spectacular disasters? "Broadcast Television's Most Spectacular Disasters," this Thursday at 8:00 on Fox...

[Note: Exoticon is a convention that has become an annual tradition for many members of r.a.t.m.m] 11/01/99 Derek Janssen on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Subject: Re: Trailer For EXOTICON -- THE MOVIE scArA wrote: > > "Michael Clear" wrote: > >the Homegamers can constantly plug their site, so can I.) It's for the > >upcoming feature "Exoticon -- The Movie" Here it is: > > > > Congratulations. You have just summed up just about every trailer from > the past couple years. Almost-- But in a world where everything is for sale...and nothing is for free... Where a million eyes watch...and no one hears the words... THEY are about to break the walls...come face to face...and soon everything they know will never be the same-- This Nov. 19th Rob: "Not quite what you expected, is it?..." THE Connie: "I don't know...Maybe my tastes have changed." CON Mike Ralls: "You think you know what's going on, don't you?..." IS ON Mike: "...Well, maybe you're wrong." Julia: "...Mi-CHAEL!!!" EXOTICON -- THE MOVIE Rob: I'm getting to old for this shi... (EXPLOSION) Derek Janssen (part of the GO network)

[Note: This makes more sense if you've heard the FZ album Thing-Fish] 11/2/99 Biffy the Elephant Shrew on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Subject: Creeping mammyism Ahem. "A cigarette that bears a lipstick's traces An airline ticket to romantic places A fairy on a string These foolish things Remind me of yo ass." Thank you. Your pal, Biffy the Elephant Shrew @}-`--}----

11/2/99 david lynch on rec.music.progressive: ASmileInTheDark wrote: > i don't know any better approach to an electric guitar than Pete Townshend's > concert finale. i prefer to approach the electric guitar as a stalk of celery, and spread peanut butter all over it.

11/4/99 "Northern Boy" on rec.music.progressive: Subject: Re: Prog tragedies? > Maybe someone should compile a list? Well, here's what I can think of: > > Non-death casualties or near-casualties, still living: > Syd Barrett, PINK FLOYD (too much LSD) John Mayhew, GENESIS (captured by aliens) The Original Irish Bastard added: The Crab is to machines what machines are to men: > However, I am hard-pressed to recall any tragedies that occurred to prog > musicians and bands. Punk and disco, to name two :). Oh yeah, Phil Collins.

On 11/3/99, Jeffrey Johnson offered this definition of "Sweeps Week" to rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Sweeps are those weeks when the Veeps and network creeps try to keep their weak Nielsen leaks and crap under wraps so their ad rates stay steep tho' their shows still reek. They broadcast from the sewer trying to bring in newer viewers and you and who knows who're biting at the lure, and sure, it's impure but they act so demure and there ain't no cure 'til you turn off the picture blur of faux culture signing the vulture's signature and read a book, yo.

11/6/99 Hal Holbrook on rec.music.progressive: Subject: Re: Why bash bands you don't like? Thus spake ScippyLisp: >You have a point, but your resolve is akin to barbarism. Welcome to Usenet, here's your club.

[This one's a bit funnier if you've ever heard any of the increadibly cheezy music created by Clive Nolan...] 11/7/99 Jed Levin on rec.music.progressive: Subject: Tribute Albums We'd Hate to See... "The Kids of Widdly High: Tribute to Clive Nolan" The developmentally challenged kids of Widdly High school pay tribute to Clive Nolan with this 2-CD set.

11/9/99 The Original Irish Bastard on rec.music.progressive: Jeff is to machines what machines are to men: >>The Original Irish Bastard wrote: >>Speaking of social malcontents, where've you been Jeff? > I've noticed that you often have a tendency to make unnecessarily > rude, condescending remarks to specific people, It would indeed be difficult for you not to notice, since you are one of those people. > Now unless you actually have something to say about music which would > interest me, I see no further reason to communicate with you. I see no reason for you to have started. Please be on your way.

11/9/99 Joe Blevins on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Fish Eye No Miko wrote: > > Andrew Morris wrote in message <3825aed7.320667161@news.iit.edu>... > > >Hell, ANY time is a bad time for Pokemons (Pokemon? Pokemoni? How is > >that pluralized, anyway?) > > "Pokemon". Like most (if not all) Japanese words, the singual and plural > forms are the same. Here's a little song to help you remember the rule. THE JAPANESE SINGULAR/PLURAL NOUN RULE SONG (sung to the tune of "The Banana Splits" theme song) Tra la la! La la la la! Tra la la! La la la la! Tra la la! La la la la! Tra la la! La la la la! Tra la la! La la la la! Tra la la! La la la la! One Gojira, two Gojira, three Gojira, four Four Gojira rising from the murky ocean floor See them crushing Tokyo, breathing smoke and flame Even though there's more than one, the noun is the same (That applies to Pokemon) (Even when there's more than one) (You still call them Pokemon) Tra la la! Japanese nouns! Tra la la! Don't change their form! Tra la la! Japanese nouns! Tra la la! Don't change their form! (repeat and fade)

11/14/99 stucohomes (aka Jack P. Armstrong) on alt.fan.frank-zappa: >you're a wanker too. Someone from texas using the word "wanker" is like a guy from Brooklyn saying "s'il vous plait" at the end of every sentence.

11/13/99 Jeffrey Johnson on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: On Sat, 13 Nov 1999, Mike Cohen wrote: >Michael Clear wrote: >>Is it true there's a very frightening scene where Ichabod Crane finds >>piles of rocks in the forest? > >Oh, that's soooo scary! I'd just totally freak out & nearly shit myself >if I got out of my tent in the morning and found a pile of rocks. >Wouldn't anyone? Aaaah. There are lots of things I would find much more frightening outside of my tent in the morning: 1. A severed human head. 2. Regis Philbin. 3. The tiny little outlines of farms and rivers way down below me. 4. A large pile of man-eating worms. 5. Regis Philbin naked. 6. Fort Lauderdale. 7. An open jar of mayonnaise. 8. A man dressed up as the state of New York. --- Tracy Deuel adds: Bill Livingston wrote: >[Bill quietly places Fort Lauderdale outside Jeffrey's tent and sneaks off] Darn it all Bill! I was trying to convince Regis Philbin to dress up as the state of New York and then strip outside of Jeffrey's tent. You never let me have any fun. *pout* Tracy- naked Regis *shudder*

[Note: This is a long post, but worth it. Exoticon is an annual convention that many members of the r.a.t.m.m newsgroup gather at.] 11/25/99 "K-Y Mellie" on rec.arts.tv.misc.misc: Subject: ::rubs exoticon in the unconners face:: Hmph. Forget that my iSheep are already dyed in delicious flavors, will you? So. Exoticon. I was there, baby. But just barely. The Airplane Gods hate me. ::eyes christine's candles:: Really hate me. For you see, it seems that my flight was pushed back half an hour or so, and as I was running late that day because I FORGOT THE NAME OF THE HOTEL Exoticon was at (::deep breath::), I missed the flight! I had to wait three hours for the next one! ::sobs:: No one bothered to inform me of the change beforehand, either, of course. So, late like I was arriving to new orleans, comes my post. Where was I? Ah, yes. The hotel. After I checked in, I called the front desk to see if my mistress Christine (you all know her better as OdiePal or Mistress Odie) had checked in. She had! Glee! I called her room and she and I hung out in her room before we tagged along with the rest of the ratmmers to that first night at the French Quarter. I have to say, the shuttle ride was as interesting as the night in the quarter. Katia sat in front of me, but Christine sat under Jess' seat for most of the ride. Every once and a while he'd give a little squeal. But horseplay is always fun and games until someone pees. I won't tell you who it was, but I think we know who had the weakest bladder on *that* shuttle. ::eyes Christine:: No one seems to mention it, but swac was actually there! He and his best friend, a very short postman with an odd sort of French accent were in the room next to Christine's. She went straight there and didn't come back out until the next afternoon. Rumor has it security had to be sent to that room three times. ::meaningful nod:: I have a feeling that security's constant interruptions is why Christine was late in getting the Blue's Clues room started Friday. Late or no, I'm glad she did host that video room. Every episode of Blue's Clues was shown that weekend, including the Pyjama Party special! With Julia Louis Dryfus! Rumor has it she's getting it on with Steve. Anyway, in accordance with Blue's Clues tradition, each episode was shown seven times in a row before the next one was aired. Hopefully you didn't see the flyers advertising "The Tickety Club," or else you'd have some *heavy* explaining to do. The only ratmmers who showed up besides me were swac and Jess. Jess brought green crayons. Thanks, Jess! I'm just sorry you couldn't stay for the Strip Drinking Game we were having. (In retrospect, having a Strip Drinking Game when the same episode is watched seven times might not be the best idea, Christine. Especially when alcohol is a known diuretic. ::eyes hotel carpet and furniture::) Let's see... we all know what else went on Friday thanks to others... Saturday night was the costume rave, of course. I went as my favorite fanfic author, Mona Angevins. Christine had a really spectacular Mrs Pepper outfit. She should have won, damn it! It was way better than the guy with a spike shoved through his body. After all, did he REALLY have the spike in him? No! But Christine really did wear a pepper shaker filled with REAL pepper! Complete with the sprinkly cap! And she spoke in an impeccable bad fake French accent the entire night, never slipping once! I think it's cool that she took her defeat in stride, however. She danced for a while with swac's short friend (who only wore white that entire weekend, odd) before sneaking off with him and a girl with bells on her head. I think it was a girl. It was kind of dark. It's too bad she left early, though, as she missed Rob getting the dj to play a divinely lush remix of the new Garbage song. Yay, Rob! ::glees all over him:: Later that night, she changed into this neat leopard-print outfit and hung around the fire escape for some random flirting. She found this really nice renn-fest looking guy and as soon as they locked eyes, she *knew* he was "The One (for tonight)." It was so romantic. She started out with her usual romantic banter and was about to move in for the kill when someone came and shooed her away. Pfft. If only people would listen to what the narrator on TLC had to say when they were showing the saggy, naked British people, they'd know what Christine was up to. It's called "flirting," mysterious shooer! It wasn't harassment at all! Har! Harassment has "ass" in it. Sunday night was weird. I don't remember anything except someone peeing on a monkey. I think it was Christine. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was. I helped her pack her stuff afterwards. Did you know she has the world's largest collection of Myslex products? It's true. She was supposed to have a panel on it, but she and I were unexpectedly busy. ::coughs:: Sadly, I had to leave early monday morning, and Christine refused to answer her door (I heard a lot of thrashing about, so I *know* you were in there!!), so I didn't get to say goodbye. ::pout:: And then the Airplane Gods came in for another kill, because Katia and I barely made it onto our departing flight, then our connection in Denver was cancelled because of "weather," and we were re-routed to LA to fly back to Tucson in some of the worst airline planning I've seen since that guy who flew to Oklahoma when he meant to go to Paris. Bastards, all of them! So from now on, if any ratmmers want to see me, I'll be in my room. Just come on over. ::glares at airlines:: And that, mis descamisados, was ExotiCon: A Mellie's Perspective. Thank you, and good night.

[a whole bunch of entries from late November/early December were lost when I accidentally copied an older version of this file over top of a later version. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.]

[One of the lost threads from early December was "unlikely album titles". Here are a few more entries:] 12/4/99 Sarah A Werning on alt.fan.frank-zappa: The Rolling Stones: "Too Old to Rock n Roll, too young to die" Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Long live the North" Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Say it out loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud" Frank Zappa: "Love Songs in C" Backstreet Boys: "Music that doesn't suck" Parliament: "P-Funk's muzak album" Britney Spears: "A brief history of time, the musical!"

[Somone posted a bunch of questions raised by the animated "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" Christmas special. Here's some answers:] 12/5/99 Sampo on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: >> How come they have Reindeer practice to train new reindeer to pull >> the sleigh, but it's always >> the same reindeer pulling every year? What's the point? Because they aren't the same every year. The reindeer named in Clement Moore's poem were Santa's reindeer for a long time, but there's recently been a great of turnover. In fact the team going out this Christmas will be Choo-Choo, Crusher, Floozie, The Noise, Bingo, Bam-Bam, Scooter and Julius. >> And just what was wrong with that little girl doll...anyway? Did >>she have a dick? What? Do NOT reveal the ending to the The Crying Game II. >> One of the misfit toys was a bird that couldn't fly, it swam. But >>at the end of the show, they >> throw it out of the sleigh without an umbrella! I'm gonna call >>the Society for the Prevention of >> Cruelty to Animals! "As God is my witness, I swear I thought turkeys could fly." --Santa >> When Sam the Snowman sings "Silver and Gold", he's playing a >>banjo, >> yet the only >> instruments heard are a piano and a horn. Hmmmmm. More importantly, how exactly does a snowman grow a Burl Ives beard?? >> Why does everyone call Donder, Donner? It's Donder and >> Blitzen....Thunder and Lightning. >> Duh! He was Donder until he went through Ellis Island. >> If Santa has flying reindeer, why couldn't he design headlights >> instead of using a Rudolph? You're a Communist, aren't you? >> What the hell was Clarice singing about, anyway? It doesn't make >>any sense! Weird. You have to listen to the backwards masking, where you can hear "I've been a bad bad girl, I've careless with a delicate man..." >> Yukon has a large gun in his belt. Why didn't he just shoot the >> Bumble? His weapons are useless against him! >> Why did Rudolph forgive everyone instead of running them through >>with his antlers? They >> were all a bunch of close-minded jerks! Especially Santa! Well, come on. I'll admit that jerk with the whistle deserved to be venison, (is that guy everybody's nightmare P.E. teacher or what?) but Santa's running a huge operation, and can't be expected to micromanage the reindeer division. Let's face it, employee morale has never been Santa's strong suit. >> At the beginning of the show Sam the Snowman says "What, you've >>never heard of Rudolph?" >> but then he says that Rudolph is the most famous Reindeer of all. >>So, if you've heard of the >> other reindeer, you should've heard of Rudolph because he's the >>most famous reindeer of all! >> So there! Heard of who in the what, now? Sampo (she said I'm cuuuuuuttte!!)

[When a critic compared a bad movie to "Blade Runner"...] 12/6/99 Jean on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: That's like saying both 'Sound of Music' and'Aliens' are movies about motherhood.

12/7/99 Sarah A Werning on alt.fan.frank-zappa: On Mon, 6 Dec 1999, Kristian Kier wrote: > > >Well, I'm sorry, Hoodoo, but I do not read pornography. > > What?! Playboy is pornography?? - Perhaps in Amnerika.... > Cripes, I'm one of those women types we hear so much about and even *I* don't consider Playboy porn.

[This is from a thread on the Zappa newsgroup, asking what to buy next after you've bought all the Zappa albums. Ninja interpreted the subject line a little differently...] 12/14/99 moesart (aka ninja) on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Subject: Where do you go when you've bought all Zappa's music? why, to hell of course !

12/14/99 Tracy Deuel on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Matt Elcock wrote: > Actually, Charlie Brown's actually won a Baseball Game once. I > remember it > well, because Charlie Brown hit the final home run to win it. And lost it again after it was found that someone on his team had made a nickel bet on the outcome.

12/15/99 J. Mcglinchey on rec.music.progressive: On 15 Dec 1999, david lynch wrote: > > Fang, son of White Fang. > > I thought it was Fang son of Great Fang, which is even worse, in a way. I've found that that entire verse (up to "...usurper must die!!!"), when used by itself, makes a great passage for when you are at an absolute loss for what to write on your holiday cards to friends and relatives.

10/15/99 david lynch on rec.music.progressive: Subject: Re: Ten Most Cringe-Inducing Genesis Moments (Gabriel Era Only) Christopher J Currie <8cjc1@qlink.queensu.ca> wrote: > In rec.music.progressive david lynch wrote: >> 2. The "Old King Cole" bit of "The Musical Box"- Over in the interactive >> fiction newsgroups they would probably refer to this bit as >> "mimesis-breaking". This is the number one reason I can't get into the >> song. Whatever else it might have going for it is completely blown when >> Gabriel, apparently fairly sincerely, starts singing this fucking stupid >> nursery rhyme. At this point, if I am drinking something, it is likely to >> be sprayed all over the room in a classic spit-take. > Just a question -- do you know the reason *why* they put this into the > song? I'm not saying it was a good idea, but it does sort-of fit with the > plot of the song. oh, i'm well aware that it's perfectly justified by the thematic content and development of the song, and wouldn't claim otherwise. it's just really fucking silly, is all.

12/19/99 Mike Dickson on rec.music.progressive: smcfee@chat.carletonSP.AMca wrote... >> Univers Zero were satanists. > > Proof? If you play their first album backwards it makes you want to sodomise the dog and kill your parents. Er...allegedly.

12/21/99 Adam Levin on rec.music.progressive: On 21 Dec 1999, Audio111 wrote: > >Actually, I think he finds 'christians' every bit as nauseating as > >'satanists'. Which is an entirely reasonable position to take. > > Hey Mike, > I wonder how he finds assholes? Finding what you are looking for is easier on the internet! Fetch Lycos, Fetch!

12/22/99 Adam Levin on rec.music.progressive: On 22 Dec 1999, Audio111 wrote: >>Have you SEEN his Deja profile? I swear the guy's made two thousand posts >>taunting Christianity if he's made a dozen. I reckon Mike will stop bashing >>Christianity when Potts starts posting about what a cool guy Fripp is and >>Moroni gushes effusively about the '90s Swedish bands. > > Oh he'll stop alright. "Every knee shall bow, every tounge shall confess..." > You know the rest I'm sure. "Diarrhea makes for a stinky brown mess"?

12/22/99 david lynch on rec.music.progressive: Josh Kortbein wrote: > all doughnuts have names that sound like prostitutes I could never make it with a whore named Kruller.

12/21/99 Mike Dickson on rec.music.progressive: In article <19991221132547.10278.00000474@ng-ck1.aol.com> minserv93@aol.com wrote... >I saw a live album with Mike Oldfield, Nico, Kevin Ayers, Eno, and others >all crammed in together. I can't remember the name of the group/album, but: > > Do you have it? > Who might it appeal to? > Do you like it / dislike it, and why? The album is called 'June 1st 1974' and it's pretty dire unless you like Ayers who takes up one side of the record. Oldfield plays guitar on one of the Ayers songs on it. Of the other material, Cale plays 'Heartbreak Hotel' and Nico caterwauls her way through The Doors' 'The End'. At times you could swear she was laying an egg.

[In early December, Dave Lynch cross-posted a lengthy diatribe about the most "cringe-inducing" moments in the early Genesis catalog to both rec.music.progressive and alt.music.genesis. As you might guess, it it drew a lot of flames from Genesis fanboys. Since it was posted under the pseudonym "Cane Dewey", Dave decided to follow-up and defend "Cane"] 12/22/99 david lynch on rec.music.progressive: jlevin wrote: > Here's what I've found to be the most cringe-inducing moment in Cane > Dewey's recent post about Gabriel-era Genesis: > "And thus, the Lamb is salvaged... but that's a story for another day." > Can you believe that he resorted to that tired old platitude? Yikes! Beg to differ, but the platitude was clearly imbued with a playful sense of irony which neatly encapsulates, acknowledges, and dismisses the absurdity of having even undertaken the effort to post in the first place, as well as leaving the door open to deconstructions of postmodernist self-referentiality, all executed with a verve and zest that more than vindicates the often negative nature of the post and "Cane"'s more obscure locutions. Personally, I found it the perfect wrapup to both the extended Part 10 Vignette and the post itself. By far the weaker moment in the post was the segment on "Battle of Epping Forest", certainly an overblown and blundering dismissal that both spent too much time dwelling on vocal eccentricities at the expensive of the musical background, to which he even erroneously attributes a synthesizer solo! While part 10 shows "Cane"'s mastery of longer paragraphs, he is clearly at his best when he sticks to shorter paragraphs, or even better, one-liners, although even these are sometimes forced. Personally, I would prefer it even better if "Cane" would quit hiding behind a forced posture of sarcasm, as many of the issues he addresses deserve to be addressed in a straightforward and forthright manner, rather than with the glancing asides "Cane" occasionally throws in. Of course, I do acknowledge that some people will disagree and find the paragraph on "Apocalypse in 9/8" to be clearly inferior, but I do not think in the case the fault lies with "Cane" himself, except perhaps in the realm of possessing an insufficient knowledge of his audience. "Cane" can hardly be blamed for the tedious and pedantic discussion of nonstandard time signatures that followed his post, when the original paragraph was sensible enough.

12/28/99 Paul Hinrichs on alt.fan.frank-zappa: President Clinton, "zappa male" His guitar wants to kill your mama! The prez reveals a rocking campaign strategy to get Al Gore elected. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Sean Elder Nov. 9, 1999 | Q: Naomi Wolf is reportedly advising the vice president to shed his beta male image and take on the alpha male of the White House, which is President Clinton. Now, will President Clinton defend his position as the alpha male? Joe Lockhart: Let me just leave it as, I know you're all having a lot of fun with that, but the president is going to do whatever he can to help the vice president get elected as the next president and is confident he'll do so. So he'll be the beta male, then. Who? The president. What comes after beta? What? Zappa? (Laughter.) The zappa male. (Laughter.) OK. -- From the White House press briefing, Nov. 3 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - President Clinton surprised White House insiders today when he announced he would assume the role of "zappa male" in deference to Vice President Al Gore, who demonstrated his newfound grasp of "the alpha dog takedown" in his debate with former Sen. Bill Bradley two weeks ago. Named in honor of the late rock provocateur Frank Zappa, the "zappa male" role will "allow the president to get in touch with his inner prankster while diverting attention to the new 'top dog,' Vice President Gore," the White House press office said. Later in the day the president himself appeared, dressed in a woman's frock and carrying a bathroom plunger, to answer questions about this election-year strategy. When called on his familiarity with Zappa's work, Clinton claimed he had been stereotyped. "I tell people I like Garth Brooks and Kenny G," admitted the president, sitting atop a toilet he had erected on the White House lawn, "but that's just to get some votes. You try telling voters your favorite album is 'Hot Rats' or 'Weasels Ripped My Flesh,' see how far you get." Clinton went on to say that Zappa's orchestral work, which owed a debt to the avant-garde compositions of Edgard Varèse, were "pretty awesome" but he preferred the more agitprop sounds of the early Mothers of Invention. "My early worldview was pretty much defined in the song 'Hungry Freaks, Daddy,'" said Clinton. "And let's face it, the solo on 'My Guitar Wants to Kill Your Mama' just flat-out fucking rocks." In order to further alienate voters -- while reminding them, Clinton stressed, "that Al Gore is a really responsible square dude, about as plastic as they come" -- the president has proposed putting Zappa's likeness on the dollar bill and replacing the motto "In God We Trust" with one of the Mothers' better-known titles: "We're Only in It for the Money." He then suggested he answer all further questions by pulling quotes from Zappa out of a hat. The quotes included: "Never try to get your peter sucked in France." "May your shit come to life and kiss you on the face." "You wouldn't know a revolution if it bit you on the dick." "I can gross out anybody in this room." The real Frank Zappa did not fare so well in Washington. When he appeared before a Senate subcommittee in 1985, testifying against record labeling and the Parents Music Resource Center, the composer was disdained by most of the senators present. PMRC founder Tipper Gore, wife of then-Sen. Al Gore, pointedly asked Zappa if there was anything on TV he wouldn't let his kids watch. "Yeah," replied the singer, "I tell them to change the channel if they see some guy in a brown suit with a telephone number at the bottom of the screen asking for money." Except, of course, if that guy is the vice president. salon.com | Nov. 9, 1999 - - - - - - - - - - - - About the writer Sean Elder is a columnist for Salon Media.