5/1/00 Bozo the Evil Klown on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:

[About the Scientology-supported movie "Battlefield Earth":]

TTR doth write thus:

>Anybody else attempting to boycott this?

"Attempting?"  I was planning to wait a few sequels anyway; those who've
actually *read* Hubbard's books say his style improved notably after his

>I got kicked out of a movie theatre yesterday for shouting "Fuck you,
>Hubbard" during the previews...(shrug).

Well, on the surface that certainly looks like Hubbard's Soulless Minions Of
Orthodoxy are trying to insure that their super-secret plan to assimilate the
United States via cheesy sci-fi works...... hmmm..... and MST3K *was* just
cancelled- good thing I have the FBI's X-Files office on my speed-dial!!

BUT just to be sure, you should go back and try yelling OTHER things at the
same volume level, like "Friends don't let friends drve drunk!!" or "Thirty
minutes or it's free!!" or "Zombies rule Belgium!!"

And just to put that distinct whiff of scientific methodolicallity into it,
go to the *other* theaters in your area and try random shouts in there,
too.....you never know just *how* many theaters the $cientologists own,
inserting their super-secret evil subliminal messages in innocent porn and
cartoons and stuff.

[This was part of a long rant against MP3s and digital music copying in general. The whole post was interesting, but it was this paragraph that really got a laugh out of me:] 5/2/00 HellPope Huey on alt.fan.frank-zappa: I've played keyboards since I was about 7 and learned to whip out the "Fireball XL5" theme for my little pals. I've struggled with crappy 'boards because I didn't know what to buy for my needs at the time, couldn't AFFORD it or the right tool(s) didn't even exist yet. I would have eaten a raw puppy live in front of kindergarteners for a modular Moog synthesizer back when ELP was the proverbial "Bomb." Of course, nobody offered, damnit. I subjectively like my music and so do others, apparently. I take some real joy in it, but don't think I'm the ultimate teat on the supermodel, either. 'Nuff said there.

[The following post was in response to a Japanese spammer who is infamous in certain music newsgroups for his broken english:] 5/2/00 Adam Levin on rec.music.progressive: On Tue, 2 May 2000, GON-MUSIC wrote: > Especially, ABBA, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, K.Bush, > E.Crapton, Crapton is the shit. > David Bowie, Bob Dylan, > Deep Purple,The Doors, ELO, ELP, > Free,Genesis,Hawkwind, J.Hendrix, > I.Maiden, J.Tull, K.Crimson, Led Zeppelin, > Madonna, Metallica, Pink Froyd, Do you have any Froyd from the Ummayomama tour? > Prince, > E.Presley, Queen, R.Stones, T.Rundgren, > U2, Van Helen, Van Helen lost it When Diana Lee Ross left.

5/2/00 Sam Rouse on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Eric Calbert wrote: > Jeff wrote: > > >Yes, I totally agree that this decision is dictated by visuals. Also, > >I think there's an interest in keeping the ketchup moving, so it flows > >out of the bottle easier - rather than forcing the diner to bang the > >bottle against the table to get the flow going. > > Exactly! Molecular instability. My friend the other day lost all of > his genital hair after he pulled a 3yr old bottle of catsup out of > the fridge. This leads me to ask about those designer burger joints such as Red Robin that always set you up with a seemingly new bottle of ketchup (I think it even goes "fsht" when you open it). Do they really give you a fresh bottle, or do they have a refilling operation in the back complete with vacuum apparatus to make it go "fsht"? If they refill it, after the top layer of fresh ketchup do you risk encountering a pre-Cambrian ketchup layer which may even contain fossils? If they constantly supply new bottles, what happens to the unused ketchup, and will it eventually affect the ozone layer or my pubic hair?

[From a thread about musicians who are married to or dating other musicians:] 5/3/00 Lord John Whorfin on rec.music.progressive: J. Mcglinchey wrote: > > On Wed, 3 May 2000, Lord John Whorfin wrote: > > > > joemcg says... > > > > > > > Annie Haslam and Ron Wood (not current) > > > > > > That should be Annie Haslam and ROY Wood. Different guy entirely! ;) > > > > I can't tell you the unpleasant mental image that flashed through my > > mind after reading that. > > Why? I think Annie's pretty cute... Exactly. And Ron Wood's...not. Thoughts of ol' incoherent Ron balancing a pint of Guinness on Annie's forehead were involved.

[I have no idea who George Formby is, but this is still funny...] 5/4/00 ProgMAP on rec.music.progressive: Mike Dickson wrote: > > paul_beecham wrote... > > > > You can also whip out a tape frame and start strumming George Formby > > > ukelele tunes on it. Remember to do the George Formby Face when you're > > > doing it. > > > > You're kidding, I've been trying to lose that face for years. > > You're lucky. Some poor bastards have the George Formby Buttocks. There's a difference?

[This one's only funny if you've heard the Zappa song "Charva" and if you're familiar with the "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" show. If you do know both, this is excellent:] 5/12/00 "David Wilcher" on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Ron Spiegelhalter wrote: > "Biffy the Elephant Shrew" wrote... > > David wrote: > > > > >Next week: donger. > > > > As in: "Donger, Will Robinson!" > > Carva Donger? Carva, I loved you I loved you through and through I loved you since the Millionaire show When we were sniffing blow I loved your pretty Dongers And I don't know what in the world to do about it Bop-bop-bop-boppa shoo-waa Carva, my darling The only love I had I hope you will forgive me dear For punching out my ex I loved you, I loved you And I don't know what in the world I'm gonna do about it, oh, lam-ba-bam-bam I remember Remember the junior prom And I remember The time I broke my girlfriend's arm And I remember Remember all the love we shared Every place and everywhere Oh Carva, Carva I love you more and more I swear it ain't because your father Owns a liquor store Carva, my baby I love you and I don't know what to do about it Oh-oh Carva Ooooohh Oh-oh Carva Ooooohh Come back my little darling Carva I love you so much honey Come back to me Carva Please Carva, please come back to me I miss your Dongers so much

5/14/00 Michael Pierry on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Steve Cobham wrote: > > Biffy the Elephant Shrew wrote: > > >>>What the fuck does any of this have to do with ants? > > > >Didja know that "formica" is Italian for "ant"? > > Ants kill their prey with formic acid. So that's where we get antacid!

5/16/00 Bradley Evans on rec.music.progressive: TOIB writes: > > Somehow I can't picture you fat, man. Let's just say in grades six and seven I probably had the largest breasts in my class. > Then again, you'd laugh your ass off at how I looked entering >Junior High, so ... What makes you think I don't laugh my ass off when your back is turned now? :)

5/17/00 Zero the Hero on rec.music.progressive: Robert Carlberg spluttered: > Is France "France" in France? Yes, but it's pronounced 'France', not 'France'.

5/22/00 Captain Freaky Pants (aka atomicpossum) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Thomas Cox writes: > >Um, I know I'm going to get killed for this, but who's Sir John Gielgud? John Geilgud began his career in the early 30's in early talkies. As half of the comedy team Stubby and Edgar (he played Edgar), he won America's heart with his famed catchphrase "I'd rather lick a penguin...!" Of course, following the death of Seymour "Stubby" Glickstein, his beloved partner, in 1937, his career languished until, deferred from service in World War II due to his congenital vestigal ear lobe, he found his career on a resurgence in nutty wartime comedies for ZKO Studios. "The Slap-Happy Sargeant" was his biggest hit, before the studio gave him the opportunity to produce an all-dancing version of Hamlet in 1946. His most famous roles, were, of course, as Uncle Herb in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" and, of course, as Obi Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars." He lived in semi-retirement after 1986, occasionally doing voice-over work or doing guest appearances in shows like 'St. Elsewhere' and 'Manimal.'

5/22/00 Jean on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: melcocha wrote: > > lol! Sometimes I try to confuse them by abruptly changing the tone of > things mid-date. Oh, de rigeur. If my date did not meet stringent standards, I would merely accuse him of not caring about our 'relationship', and how we must 'work things out'. Oh man, they'd always run away very fast, and I'd have an entire evening to go scouting for more amenable, and passive, male companionship. Usually, just as the bars were closing, leaking desperate men onto the sidewalk for easy access. > If it's a date, I suddenly remember I'm a nun and go back > to the abbey. If we're just friends, we have sex three times in his > roommate's bed. Coat hangers have been known to become involved. I'll > explain that later. Maybe. 'K. But I presume that roomates do not appreciate sleeping on coathangers and tend to cast blame violently and without cause.

5/23/00 Christine (aka MistressOdie) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Mistress Mellie wrote: > But where was I? Oh, right. Modern dating rituals are confusing and weird >and have nowhere near the perks they used to. I remember when I dated back >in 1812. Back then we called it courting. I danced twice with the same man, >and two weeks later, we were married. Those were the days, I tell you. >Those were the days. Indeed they were. Remember how you met me at the wedding? I was the groom's sister. And how I moved in with you two shortly thereafter because I was addicted to Absinthe and the doctors thought it would be best to be away from the city. So then I got you hooked on Absinthe and opium-products. And we killed your husband and put him in the attic and we became lovers. For years people thought he was still alive. Mm. Those were the days. And then came life number 29 spent in the late 1800s as twins attached at the crotch in Victorian side-shows. Mm. Memories.

6/7/00 Bryan Lambert on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Jean wrote: >Our culture worships sex, and folks like to fit in. Plus, talking about >sex can be fun and/or funny. But when it gets down to serious business, >most folks become very introspective and think it over, in my experience. >Mature human beings recognize that we are not just walking genitals. >Well, most of the time....... As part of the culture that worships sex, unfortunately, this is how I was conditioned to read Jean's post: Our culture worships sex, and fucks like to tit in. Plus, talking about sex can be horn and/or horny. But when it goes down on serious business, most folks come very "introspective" and do it over and over, in my orifice. BARELY LEGAL mature human beings recognize that... HEY, LOOK! WALKING GENITALS! Well, most of the time.

6/12/00 "Lori Holuta" on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: I have been to camp. I've been to Camp Fire Girl camp, and also to a little slice of hell playfully called Camp Chiquita, somewhere in the hills above Los Angeles. I learned basic survival skills, all the words to "I'm A Little Striped Skunk", how to taunt counselors until they commit ritual suicide, and how to kill a forest ranger with a stare from 50 paces. I learned that forcing your bunkmate to eat scalding hot burnt marshmallows forges a friendship to last a lunchtime. I learned hatred, fear, paranoia, and how to make a leather wallet. I learned that my parents really hated me and couldn't wait to banish me up river for the summer. I learned that dirt and twigs are my only true friends. Going to camp makes you a more secure, well-adjusted person. Like me.

6/13/00 Geir Corneliussen on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Michael Gula wrote: > I used to write music and got sick and tired of people telling me > it sounded like Zappa. So I said, Fuck it. As if that would make you sound less Zappa.

6/13/00 Michael Clear on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: DON3k wrote: > The solution: Another new kitty. Now they just attack and maul each other > all the time. But it's good natured mauling :) Yeah, that's what Marv Albert said.

6/14/0 Mac on rec.music.progressive: foultongue@home.com wrote: > I don't really know what Mariah's exact vocal range is, but who cares? > She's got a great voice as do Christina Aguilara and Jessica Simpson. > I'm just not fond of the material they do. Great T+A though. You're quite an A yourself. --- ProgMAP added: This is the first Tonsils and Adenoids fetish I've ever heard of.

[Note: The next few posts are about a compilation disc that the members of alt.fan.frank-zappa are putting together of their own original music.] 6/20/00 Zoogz Rift--The Liquid Moamo on alt.fan.frank-zappa: >From: Cal Schenkel >> >>On Mon, 19 Jun 2000 18:25:38 GMT, Fred Banta wrote: >> >>>Anybody remember the link for the AFFZ CD track listing? If so please >>>post or e-mail. Thanks. >> >>Vol. 1: >>01 Adrian Clark- WAAAH! IT'S THE SCHIZO SISTERS! 4:16 >>02 AJ Wilkes- Fantasy Garden Through a Child's Eyes 3:18 >>03 Antal Adriaanse- In Isolation/Getrommel 4:23 [snip] >>Vol. 2: >>01 Jerry Hull (Dr. Jerry & The Periferals)- Zero Sum Game 3:20 [snip] >>07 Michael Pierry- Southington Suite 12:23 [snip] >>15 Zoogz Rift- Asphyxiate 6:37 Cal---that should read Asphyxiated, with a "d" (past tense) on the end!... Well, anyways...... MY song is the longest! NYAH-NYAH NYAH-NYAH NYAAAAAAAAH-NYAH!!! [Zoogz takes down his pants and dances around the room like a retard] [causing a 2.6 southern california earthquake, I might add...] --- 6/20/00 Biffy the Elephant Shrew wrote: >>Only if 6:37 is longer than 12:23 Jeezis. When did *that* happen? I mean, I didn't know Yes had contributed a song. --- 6/20/00 Adrian Clark wrote: > Vol. 1: > 01 Adrian Clark- WAAAH! IT'S THE SCHIZO SISTERS! 4:16 I'd just like to point out that my use of UPPER CASE wasn't intended as a cheap way of attracting attention. I just presumed everyone would do the same. (LISTEN TO MY TRACK MOST OFTEN, ASSHOLES)

6/20/00 David Blumenstein on alt.fan.frank-zappa: Hoodoo wrote: > > I watched a few minutes of the Formula 1 race from Montreal yesterday > and the announcers mentioned that the crew members place "helicopter > tape" on seams and/or edges of the race cars because it is so strong. > They said this tape is placed on the leading edge of helicopter blades > to minimize debris striking and damaging the rotors themselves. Never > heard of it before. Must be better than gaffers' or 200-mph (NASCAR) > tape. There's such a thing as NASCAR Tape? Does Dale Earnhardt pitch it on TV? "When I've done ripped the front off my car on Death Curve, I use only Official NASCAR Tape to stick'm back up there. NASCAR Tape. When spot welding just isn't enough."

[I love how even Frank himself is a suitable target for jokes in the Zappa newsgroup:] 6/21/00 John Smith on alt.fan.frank-zappa: > From: Chunga > > Milhouse481 wrote: > >> What is your most prized Frank Zappa possession? Be it a rare (or not so >> rare) album/cd/single, magazine, photo, concert tape...anything. > > I have Franks swollen prostate in a pickle jar....the jar is under my > bed Have you poked it with a stick yet?

On 6/24/00, Marc Ziegenhagen posted the following to alt.fan.frank-zappa, but later stated that he can't take credit as he was just copying it from another (unnamed) source: Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind then that Leviticus 18:22 clearly stated it to be an abomination to the Lord. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how best to follow them. A) When I burn a bull on the alter as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors: they claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? B) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 2:17. In this day and age, what do you think a fair price for her would be? C) I Know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness. (Lev. 15:19-24) The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. D) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? E) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? F) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? G) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the alter of the Lord if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there some wiggle room here? H) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? I) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean. May I still play football if I wear gloves? J) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread. (It looks like some sort of cotton/poly blend.) He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev 20:14.) I know that you have studied these things extensively, so I'm confident that you can help. Thanks for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

On 6/26/00, Adam Levin posted the following wildly inaccurate description of his band The Dark Aether Project to rec.music.progressive: DAP: Lithuanian death ska with a hint of Tasmanian polka

6/26/00 Carl Burke on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Bryan Lambert wrote: > Lars Hansen wrote: > >How can we make a newsgroup like that? > > Only God can make a newsgroup. > > Bryan "Or am I thinking of trees?" Lambert Trees don't make newsgroups. That's a myth.

6/28/00 Biffy the Elephant Shrew on alt.fan.frank-zappa: >Beeing an Euroscaninavian, I use to say "Tull og Tys!" I can't >translate it. "Ian Anderson action figure."

6/29/00 flaming cat on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: ez044092 says... > >On like Wed, 28 Jun 2000, The Midnight Rambler was all: >> >>Dad was a numismatist, and I can tell you that a painted quarter is >>worth...a quarter. Assuming you can convince the gas station guy that >>you just got drunk one night and painted it. > >Vending machines, Rob, vending machines. Shoot, sometimes they'll even >take those lousy Canadian quarters, and those ain't worth sh*t! > >JSJ1TG, Now, Jeffrey, I'll have you know that in some places in Alberta a quarter can buy an ENTIRE HANDFUL of shit. More, if you're not picky about the quality.

7/4/00 "Average Joe" Barlow on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Incidentally, Amy and I were writing our wedding vows the other day, and we were trying to figure out what we were going to pledge to each other. After some thought, she pledged to protect me from the evil vampires which dominate the lower reaches of hell; I thought was very sweet. I, in turn, pledged less talk, more rock. And we agreed that if we both pledged to love and respect each other, we'd receive free NPR tote-bags as a special "thank you" for these pledges. Man, on July 22nd, we're gonna blow a LOT of cerebral fuses.

7/8/00 Dave Lynch on rec.music.progressive: Zero the Hero come on down: >JCRYIAD spluttered: >> I didn't see anything in the post I read to suggest trolling, but are you >> suggesting Bailey is the only person with these feelings here at rmp? Is >> it only trolls who constantly, with no end in sight, bash Yes? > >Dave Lynch hates Yes. He doesn't troll constantly about it. Only because it'd leave me with no time to gratuitously bash ELP.

7/18/00 mikael.sillman on alt.fan.frank-zappa: "Bossk (R)" wrote: > Roy wrote: > > > I think opinions are pretty divided on this ng. > > That's true! > No it isn't! :)

[I'm not sure why this struck me as being funny, but it almost caused a coffee-spittake. Probably because I was expecting a much longer response.] 7/25/00 Noah Samuel Lesgold on rec.music.progressive: TOIB writes: > Noah Samuel awakens Beta 14 OK: > > In general, I think we're coming from the same place. I just don't > > think it has to be so crowded that everyone has to be there. > > This doesn't make sense, Noah. Could you un-metaphor it for me a > bit? :) No. No, I can't.

7/27/00 Sean McFee (aka the Original Irish Bastard) on rec.music.progressive: Jon awakens Beta 14 OK: >>> (j/k - I'd probably act the same around Annie Haslam, etc...) >> >>A May-December romance guy are you? > Sorry, I really don't have any idea what that means. Help? May-December romance = young guy, older woman. Usually when the genders are reversed it's referred to as "arrestable offence". :-P

[Note: The following was part of a thread debating the financial moralities of MP3 files:] 7/30/00 John Rice on rec.music.progressive: "Mrs Babymash (snr)" wrote: > Fuck me swinging if Drew Freeman didn't just say...: > >>No... It's not alright to steal anything, but it does illustrate the >>issue that both music prices are artificially inflated for the purposes >>of profit and that not enough of that profit trickles down to the artists. >> >>I don't advocate not playing artists for their work > > [snipperty doo-dah] > > Perhaps it's an old-fashioned notion, but why should musicians be paid > at all for their "art"? Musicians should be paid so that non musicians can have something to listen to besides the beer cooler humming out back of the mobile home.

8/2/00 Zero the Hero on rec.music.progressive: Noah Samuel Lesgold spluttered: > Zero the Hero writes: >> That's funny, but you completely missed my joke, I'm afraid. > I'm fairly sure I got your meaning, I just ignored it. You suck.

8/2/00 Dr. Winston O'Boogie (aka Dave Lynch) on rec.music.progressive: Zero the Hero come on down: >gondola bob spluttered: >> Throw us a bone, Skippy. > >Hey GB, does Dave really deserve this? I guess you missed the last round of Broome-Lynch flamewars. Anyway, flaming is more or less his raison d'etre (when was the last time _you_ saw him post something non-inflammatory?), and while he takes the whole thing far too seriously for me to get any enjoyment out of it, who am I to deny a man that which he loves? So I toss in occasional wide open spaces in my posts so Eb can point out his musical superiority and make himself feel clever, and people point out that it all seems terribly random, and Eb may occasionally be stirred to move beyond the one-line zingers and post a page-long (because he pays _very_ careful attention to being succint) justification of why exactly he is superior to me and all my various psychological problems. One of my psychological problems may be the utter inability to understand what he's nattering on about when he does this, so I won't even _attempt_ to summarize his argument, as he'll just use this as an excuse to point out what a fool I am for utterly failing to understand him and explain why, with logic that displays both a stunning internal consistency and an utter impenetrability from a rational standpoint. At some point I am polite enough to killfile him, and promptly forget about him for several months. I'd compare it to the Epic of Gilgamesh, but frankly it reminds me a lot more of high school.

8/2/00 Sterno on rec.music.progressive: Hmmmm. We used to call ourselves 'Metal' and never could get gigs. We started calling ourselves 'Mystery-Jazz Acid Surf-a-Billy' and never got any gigs either. Of course, the band being named Jefferson Fistfuck might have had something to do with it.

[Warning: Some of the content in this post even made me blush. Or that might have just been the glow that comes with lack of oxygen from laughing so hard I can't breath:] 8/7/00 Christine (aka Mistress Odie) collects some of her favorite .sigs written by kymellie on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: ky mellie: Rain drops on kittens and sperm on wool mittens! Girls in white dresses with blue latex sashes! Brown wrinkled scrotums tied up with string! These are a few of my favorite things! -Erica on the movies: ky mellie: That kid from the Sixth Sense is hot. I'd fuck him. -Erica on family life: ky mellie: And then I told Mom, "TAKE THIS COCK!" -Erica on the MelOdie Savior: ky mellie: This man is either incredibly stupid, incredibly boring, or else our Chosen One. (side note: it turned out he was stupid and boring so we're still looking) -Erica on daily life: ky mellie: Crying and masturbating and then crying some more. -And random Erica conversations: MaidOdie: lol! Won't your mom mind my head between her legs? ky mellie: lol! Nah, not at all. ky mellie: Knowing her, she might even enjoy it. MaidOdie: All right. ::takes deep breath:: ::FWOOP:: ky mellie: ::cackles madly:: Whoo! You're my sister now! ::gets the plunger:: ky mellie: Just stay in there for five more minutes, then I'll dig you out. MaidOdie: lmaoo! Oh, fuck this is so wrong and sick and... wow, your mom's natural moisture is back. Here's to you, smoo-dinky. Only for you would I post such random lunacy that everyone else will ignore. Christine ## "When it comes to our sigs, once is more than "enough." Pfft." -Mellie ##

[Here's another beautifully inscrutible stream-of-conciousness rant from Geir:] 8/10/00 Geir Corneliussen on alt.fan.frank-zappa: David Wilcher wrote: > > I find my sense of humor doesn't translate well in Usenet. > I keep trying anyway. Never give up. Keep trying. Keep up the faith. You got the power. Deep inside of you, there is funny jokester trying to get out. So much fun, even the silly wackos on Usenet will get the joke, and laugh along with you. Like a big family of humorous men. Train a bit every day. Tell a joke, and see what happens. One day it will be your turn, the dream will come true I did, it happened to me, and I am a funny guy now. I never thought it was possible to reach this far. I remember I received a mail some years ago, from an unknown guy that thought I was funny. I was so touched, that I cried. I howled like a sick dog, banged my scalp into the wall and rolled around. Then I finally jumped out the window, and ended up in a bush. All my clothings had been ripped apart, but I didn't cared. First, I made an an old woman laugh so that she got an hearth attack out of pure joy. What a beautiful way to die. Of laughter. I ran around nakkid in the streets downtown, yelling, shouting, laughing. I remember all the smiling faces, all the people I made happy. I noticed that my friend Godzilla was with me. Cars were crashing all over the place. There were joyfull explosions, buildings afire, and even a nuclear explosion that made my skin feel like crispy bacon. So I rolled myself into mayonaise and laughed. When the whitecollar men came to pick me up, I just smiled. I was happy. Happy for finally have found out that there was someone out there that found me to be funny. And I felt happy. So keep up the good work, my friend. One day you can be funny too. Even on Usenet.

[A .sig file about turds. How could I resist?] 8/10/00 KirkbyLonsdale on alt.fan.frank-zappa: I read that the Queen gets sent, on average, two turds each week in the post. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

8/10/00 Darth Kirby (aka Gbobolink) on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: >Nemo wrote: > >> First of all, I didn't get what all the hype over >> American Beauty was for. Sure, Kevin Spacey was a kick, but after that, >> I was pretty much like, "Okaaaaay..." I dunno. I liked in the black comical way, not to mention, I saw parallels for my own life embeded in it. Then again, I see parallels for my life embeded in _Grease 2_, so I'm probably not on good ground.

[Time to get self-referential:] 8/14/00 Michael Pierry on alt.fan.frank-zappa: You know, normally I'd thank you profusely and express my delight at your enjoyment of my track, but ever since reading Zoogz Rift's post I've realized that I have no right to attempt to make music, nor to even listen to it, really. Were I to thank you I'd be gloating distastefully about my ability to produce amateurish music that a newborn tone deaf flipperbaby could do better while floating upside down nailed to a steel post at the bottom of the ocean surrounded by man-eating giant squid while being given concentrated intravenous doses of arsenic and fucked in the ass by a three-headed elephant seal. I hereby nominate Zoogz Rift for whiniest post to a newsgroup ever. Never in my wildest moments of insane rage and self-pity have I summoned the hubris to blame the entire planet and everyone in it for all of my problems in such a grandiosely ludicrous manner... and later he added: Speaking of which, I can't believe nobody mentioned liking my extended "flipperbaby getting fucked in the ass by three-headed elephant seal" analogy or whatever the hell that was. I thought that was pretty funny. To which Michael Gula replied: Perhaps Bob Eichler will put it in his archive.

8/14/00 Adam Levin on rec.music.progressive: > nadar -- is that a new safety device? It's an ultra-high frequency undersea testical locating device.

8/14/00 Derek Janssen on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc: Andrew wrote: > > I'd have to agree with Tuttle. Besides, it's real easy to make fried > parts look like gentalia. Good thing this wasn't a Krispie Kreme place, > that these doughnuts came from. > > ---Andrew K., who'd like to know what was God smoking when he designed > the sexual organs. [looks around] ...Okay, who wants to make the "cigar" joke first? ; )

8/15/00 "thax" (aka mike t) on rec.music.progressive: doug marcus wrote: > i have limited my interest to 15 cd's on cranium but i need to reduce the > number to 8. which of these are must haves: > 11-anabis "heaven on earth" This stinks like a diseased howler monkey.

8/16/00 SteveL on alt.fan.frank-zappa: On 16 Aug 2000 10:14:40 GMT, KirkbyLonsdale wrote: >SteveL wrote: > >> I was always a little curious back then about what "plooking" >> actually meant. > >Give me ten quid and I'll show you. You rent boy! Grants must be reaching an all time low. Tell you what. I'll give you ten quid and you can plook my ex-girlfriend. She deserves it. Watch out for the knife afterwards tho.

8/16/00 Adam Levin on rec.music.progressive: I've always thought that Peter Nicholls of IQ sounded like a male version of Carol Channing. Same delivery/phrasing/tone/hair.

8/19/00 John Hopkins on alt.fan.frank-zappa: "Michael Fell" wrote: > Didn't Bill have relations with the chinese? That'd be an awful lot of sex, even for him.

8/22/00 Dgasque on rec.music.progressive: L. Perez writes: >As everyone undoubtedly knows, I'm a computer idiot so forgive me for >asking...What is a Troll? It is a disgruntled packet that lives under a Cisco bridge who makes other packets take the long pathway home.

8/22/00 Robert Carlberg on rec.music.progressive: John wrote: >In it there was a wax museum with figures >of various celebrities. >The first section was for music. >And who do I see in personified wax glory? >Ian Anderson, Jimmy Page, and Robert Fripp. Ummmm, are you *sure* Fripp was wax?

8/23/00 Ron Spiegelhalter on alt.fan.frank-zappa: "Biffy the Elephant Shrew" wrote... > Michael Gula wrote: > > >But it can be grim to be grimy! > >Pickins can be slim when you're slimy! > > People are strange when you're a stranger. Faces look homely when you're at home. Oh wait, that's not how it goes.

8/23/00 Zero the Hero on rec.music.progressive: Varga Gyorgy spluttered: > Zero the Hero wrote: >> Did the original post really just ask for recommendations on a single >> representative album? > Yes, I did. Hi there. > Imagine you go home and find a very nice guy there, in the company of > good friends, who stands up and says: hello, I'm Joe Smith, a classical > fan but *really* open minded, and would very much like to know what this > progressive rock thing is about. Please play me some pieces > representative of the genre. I've got one hour for this. How did he get in my house? > Btw, what if he says he has 15 minutes, and asks you to play him *one* > piece? Wich would be that? I'd tie him down to the couch and make him listen for 3 hours.