MSTed: Charlton Heston's "Winning the Cultural War"

[The scene opens with Mike and Servo standing by the desk outside
 the theater doors, as they are often wont to do...]

Servo: I'm telling you Mike, we really need one.

Mike:  Don't be ridiculous.

Servo: Come on, it's my constitutional right!

Mike:  I don't think the constitution extends to cover robots.  Or
       outer space territories, for that matter.

Servo: I don't care, we have a real need for one, and I want one.

[Crow enters from left]

Crow:  Want one what?

Servo: A gun.  We really need one.

Mike:  What do we need a gun for?

Servo: You know, um, uh, protection.  Yeah, that's it, protection!

Mike:  Protection from who?  You, me, Crow and Gypsy are the only ones
on the ship.

Magic Voice: Ehem...

Mike:  Sorry.  There's also Magic Voice, but she wouldn't hurt us...

Crow:  What about wild animals?  Hunh, Mike?  You didn't think of that,
did you Mike?

Mike:  *What* wild animals?  We're on a satellite!

Servo: Well, I think I saw a rabid raccoon down in the load pan bay the
other day...

Crow: Yeah!  And I seem to remember being savaged by a wild dog.

[The "Pearl" signal starts flashing.]

Mike: That was make believe...and anyway, the chimp, the gimp and the
blimp are calling...

[Cut to Pearl]

Pearl: Blimp!!!  Why, I...  You'll pay for that comment.  It's time you
learned a little lesson about Political Correctness.  And since you
fools were just discussing gun control...

Mike:  Well, we weren't really discussing...hey, how'd you know about

Pearl: I have Brain Guy monitor all your conversations.  Hope it's no
inconvenience.  Anyway, to teach you a little lesson, I'm sending you
a political rant from the new head of the National Rifle Association
himself, Charlton Heston.

Mike, Crow and Servo:  Nooooo!!!!

Pearl: 'Fraid so.  It's a little speech he presented to his buddies
at Harvard.  Hope it burns.

[Lights start flashing]

Mike:  We've got right-wing rant sign!!!!

[Mike and bots run into the theater]


>          "The Internet is for lonely people." -- Charlton Heston

Mike [getting into his seat, as the 'bots do the same]:  That's it Chuck,
win the intended audience over to your side right off the bat.
>           "Winning The Cultural War"

Servo:  Be sure to arm yourself with highbrow grenades.

> Harvard Law School Forum
> February 16, 1999

> I remember my son when he was five, explaining to his
> kindergarten class what his father did for a living. "My
> Daddy," he said, "pretends to be people."

Crow:  And he pretends soylent green is made *out* of people.

> There have been quite a few of them. Prophets from the
> Old and New Testaments, a couple of Christian saints,
> generals of various nationalities and different centuries,
> several kings, three American presidents, a French cardinal 

Mike:  A German woodpecker,

Servo: A Mongolian red-crested booby,

Crow:  And most fittingly, a dodo.

> and two geniuses,

Mike:  Admittedly, those roles were written by someone else.

> including Michelangelo. If you want the ceiling 
> re-painted I'll do my best. 

Mike, Crow and Servo:  Ha.  Ha ha.
Servo:  Oh, stop.

> There always seem to be a lot of 
> different fellows up here. I'm never sure which one of
> them gets to talk. Right now, I guess I'm the guy.

Mike:  Uh oh, Chuck's multiple personality disorder is showing...

> As I pondered our visit tonight it struck me: If my Creator gave me the 
> gift to connect you with the hearts and minds of those great men,

Servo:  Uh, Mr. Heston?  You're just an actor.  Get over it.

> then I want to use that
> same gift now to re-connect you with your own sense of liberty ... 

Crow:  And surprise you with a half-buried Statue of Liberty...

> your own freedom of thought ... 

Mike:  But isn't telling someone to think freely self-contradictory?
       'Cause you're telling them what to think...

Crow:  Let's go a little light on the paradoxes, OK Mike?

> your own compass for what is right.

Servo:  Well, we know Chuck's compass points to the right...

> Dedicating the memorial at Gettysburg, Abraham Lincoln said of America,
> "We are now engaged in a great Civil War, testing whether this nation
> or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure."

Mike:  He knows the speech from memory, because he was there.

> Those words are true again. I believe that we are again engaged in a great
> civil war, a cultural war that's about to hijack your birthright to think
> and say what resides in your heart.

Crow:  Regardless of how racist, sexist or offensive it may be.

> I fear you no longer trust the pulsing lifeblood of liberty inside you ...

Servo:  Ewww, I coulda lived my whole life without thinking of something
pulsing inside Charlton Heston.

> the stuff that made this country rise from wilderness into the miracle
> that it is.

Mike:  A blacktop coated urban jungle.

> Let me back up. About a year ago I became president of the National Rifle
> Association, which protects the right to keep and bear arms. I ran for
> office, I was elected, and now I serve ... I serve as a moving target

Crow:  And if there's one thing the NRA knows, it's moving targets.

> for the media who've called me everything from "ridiculous" and "duped"
> to a "brain-injured, senile, crazy old man." 

Mike:  Sounds like Chuck took it a little personally.

> I know ... I'm pretty old ... but I sure Lord ain't senile.

Servo:  That sentence structure argues otherwise.

> As I have stood in the crosshairs of those who target Second Amendment
> freedoms,

Crow:  I sense a theme here...

> I've realized that firearms are not the only issue. No, it's much, much
> bigger than that.

Mike:  It's HUGE!

> I've come to understand that a cultural war is raging across our land,

Servo [news announcer voice]:  PBS suffered heavy casualties when a skirmish
along their border with Nick at Night broke out today...

> in which, with Orwellian fervor,

Mike [Minnesota accent]:  Oh, I had Orwellian fervor once.  A warm glass
of salt water cleared that right up for me.

> certain acceptable thoughts and speech are mandated.

Crow:  OK, today Mike gets to think about oranges, and Servo must speak
about geometry.  Stick to your assignments, people.

> For example, I marched for civil rights with Dr. King in 1963 -- long
> before Hollywood found it fashionable. But when I told an audience last
> year that white pride is just as valid as black pride or red pride or
> anyone else's pride, they called me a racist.

Servo:  And for some reason, they were offended by his Kevin Kalvin Kline
monogrammed designer shirt.  Go figure.

> I've worked with brilliantly talented homosexuals all my life.

Mike:  And I do mean *worked*, ifyouknowwhatImean...

> But when I told an audience that gay rights should extend no further than
> your rights or my rights, I was called a homophobe.

Crow:  Mike, I'd really like to stop thinking about Charlton Heston, gay
men and things extending now.

> I served in World War II against the Axis powers. But during a speech,
> when I drew an analogy between singling out innocent Jews and singling
> out innocent gun owners, I was called an anti-Semite.

Mike:  And it was such a perfect analogy too.  I mean, this holocaust 
against gun owners has got to stop.

> Everyone I know knows I would

Servo:  That was almost a palindrome there.

> never raise a closed fist against my country. But when I asked an
> audience to oppose this cultural persecution, I was compared to Timothy
> McVeigh.

Crow:  If only everyone owned a handgun, we wouldn't need the Timothy
McVeighs of the world...

> From Time magazine to friends and colleagues, they're essentially saying,
> "Chuck, how dare you speak your mind. You are using language not authorized
> for public consumption!"

Mike:  German?
Servo: Pig Latin?
Crow:  Esperanto?

> But I am not afraid. If Americans believed in political correctness, we'd
> still be King George's boys-subjects bound to the British crown.

Mike:  So get out there and offend some minorities today.  It's the only
way to keep the King of England off your back.

Crow:  The way Chuck works boys and bondage into that sentence kind of
makes me wonder about him...

> In his book, "The End of Sanity,"

Servo:  Why is it that all conservative treatises have titles that sound
like bad soap operas?

> Martin Gross writes that "blatantly irrational behavior is rapidly being
> established as the norm in almost every area of human endeavor.

Crow:  So, that explains why Mike was wearing a tutu and singing Michael
Jackson songs last night.

Mike:  Hey, what's irrational about that?

> There seem to be new customs, new rules, new anti-intellectual theories
> regularly foisted on us from every direction.

Servo:  I think this guy's been watching too much "X Files".

> Underneath, the nation is roiling.

Mike:  You guys roiling?

Crow:  As a matter of fact, I think I roiled a bit yesterday afternoon.

Servo: You've gotta applaud that nice use of "roiling" though.  Don't
see that too often.

> Americans know something without a name is undermining the nation,
> turning the mind mushy when it comes to separating truth from falsehood
> and right from wrong.

Mike:  Oh yeah, he's definitely been watching the X Files.

> And they don't like it."

Crow:  Who can blame them?  The X Files really isn't a very good show.

> Let me read a few examples. At Antioch college in Ohio, young men seeking
> intimacy 

[Mike drops out of sight and gropes around under his theater seat.]

Servo:  Whatcha doing, Mike?

Mike:   Seeking some intimacy.  I could have sworn I stashed some under
the seat during that last Ratliff fanfic...

> with a coed must get verbal permission at each step of the process 

Servo [falsetto]:  OK, did you fill out your FR30 dash L7 form "Application
For Removal of Bra" form?

Mike [as clueless college student]:  Uh, no, I only did the paperwork as
far as the T21 dash W1 "Requisition of Automobile Fuel For Trip Home From
Movies".  I didn't think we'd get this far.  You wouldn't happen to have
a copy of the FR30-L7 EZ form lying around, would you?

Servo [falsetto]: The "EZ" form?!?  What kind of girl to you think I am?

> from kissing to petting to final copulation ... 

Crow:  Oh jeeze, as if it's not bad enough I have to hear you two do a
mock courtship, now I have to think of the words "petting and final
copulation" coming out of Charlton Heston's mouth.

> all clearly spelled out in a printed college directive.

Mike:  I think I've got that directive somewhere in my room.

Servo:  No Mike, that's the Kama Sutra.

> In New Jersey, despite the death of several patients nationwide who had
> been infected by dentists who had concealed their AIDs --- 

Crow:  Wait, I'm confused, was it the patients or the dentists who
were concealing their AIDs?

Servo: It was New Jersey.

> the state commissioner announced that health providers who are
> HIV-positive need not .. need not ... 

Crow [looking around]:  Is there an echo in here?

> tell their patients that they are infected.

Mike:  Wait a second, now the patients are infected?

Crow:  First base!

> At William and Mary, students tried to change the name of the school team
> "The Tribe"

Servo:  To "The Marys".  For some reason, the football team wouldn't go
for it.

> because it was supposedly insulting to local Indians,
> only to learn that authentic Virginia chiefs truly like the name.

Crow:  Well, they preferred it to the original team name "Local Indians
Suck" anyway.

> In San Francisco, city fathers passed an ordinance protecting the rights of
> transvestites to cross-dress on the job, 

Mike:  Wow, they're allowed to dress while on the job?  Pearl expects me
to already be in my jumpsuit when the experiments begin.

> and for transsexuals to have separate
> toilet facilities while undergoing sex change surgery.

Servo:  I'd say the doctor's not using enough anesthetic if the patient
tries to get up and use the facilities while undergoing surgery

> In New York City, kids who don't speak a word of Spanish have been placed
> in bilingual classes to learn their three R's in Spanish solely because
> their last names sound Hispanic.

Mike:  Which puts them three Rs and two languages up on the kids with White
sounding names.

Crow:  So, what are the three "R"s, anyway?

Servo: If it were up to Chuck, it'd be Rifles, Revolvers and Ricochets.

> At the University of Pennsylvania, in a state where thousands died at
> Gettysburg opposing slavery,

Mike:  And, of course, thousands died defending slavery.

Crow:  Today's carnage brought to you by...guns!

Servo: Buy guns where you work or war.

> the president of that college officially set up segregated
> dormitory space for black students.

Crow:  Why did some black students want to be segregated from other black
students?  He's losing me here...

> Yeah, I know ... that's out of bounds now.  Dr. King said "Negroes."

Servo:  I think he's just free-associating now.

> Jimmy Baldwin

Crow:  That's Alec's second cousin, right?

> and most of us on the March said "black." But it's a no-no now. For me,
> hyphenated identities are awkward ... particularly "Native-American."

Mike [old man voice]:  Just can't get my dentures around that one, dang it.

> I'm a Native American, for God's sake.

Servo:  Chuck was here when the Pilgrims landed.

> I also happen to be a blood-initiated brother of the Miniconjou Sioux. 

Crow:  Gesundheit.

> On my wife's side, my grandson is a thirteenth generation
> native American ...

Servo:  Suddenly, I'm picturing Charlton's wife and the Indian healer from
"King of the Hill".

> with a capital letter on "American."

Mike:  Any letter?  Can I pick?  I'll take the "C".

> Finally, just last month ... David Howard, head of the Washington D.C.
> Office of Public Advocate,

Crow:  As opposed to the Podunk Minnesota Office of Public Advocate.

> used the word "niggardly" while talking to colleagues about
> budgetary matters. Of course, "niggardly" means stingy or scanty.

Mike:  At least it did back in the early nineteenth century, when people
last used it in conversation.

> But within days Howard was forced to publicly apologize and resign.

Crow:  He was forced to apologize for being a Public Advocate?

Mike:  No, for...oh, never mind.

> As columnist Tony Snow

Servo:  Sounds like a porn name.  Um, not that I'd know...

> wrote: "David Howard got fired because some people in public employ
> were morons

Crow:  Wow, if that's all it took for public employees to get fired,
we could shrink the government by 75% in no time.

> who (a) didn't know the meaning of niggardly,' (b) didn't know how to
> use a dictionary to discover the meaning,

Mike:  This is starting to sound suspiciously like an Ayn Rand novel.

> and (c) actually demanded that he apologize for their ignorance."

Servo: "I am truly sorry that you are ignorant."

> What does all of this mean? It means that telling us what to think has
> evolved

Crow:  Just as the apes will evol...

Mike:  I think we've done enough Planet of the Apes jokes now.  Let's
give it a rest.

> into telling us what to say , so telling us what to do can't be far behind.

Servo:  As if the government hasn't been telling us what to do for decades

> Before you claim to be a champion of free thought, tell me: Why did
> political correctness originate on America's campuses?

Mike:  It didn't - it started on Comedy Central and then moved to a
major network.

Crow:  I don't think he's talking about the TV show, Mike.

> And why do you continue to tolerate it?  Why do you, who're supposed
> to debate ideas, surrender to their suppression?

Mike:  Wait, we're supposed to be debating ideas?  I thought we were just
supposed to riff on stuff.

Servo: Try not to get caught up in the rhetoric, Mike.

> Let's be honest. Who here thinks your professors can say what they really
> believe?

Crow:  I think most of them just believe they'd like to get out of hearing
the rest of this and go find a nice mixed drink somewhere.

> It scares me to death,

Servo:  If only.

> and should scare you too, that the superstition of political correctness
> rules the halls of reason.

Crow:  When they should be ruled by the iron fist of the NRA!

> You are the best and the brightest. You, here in the fertile cradle
> of American academia, here in the castle of learning on the Charles River,
> you are the cream.

Mike:  "Fertile cradle"?  "Cream"?  Calling Dr. Freud...

Crow:  So, castle of that like Castle Forrester?

> But I submit that you, and your counterparts across the land, are the
> most socially conformed and politically silenced generation since
> Concord Bridge.

Servo: I'm guessing Chuck slept through the 80s.

Crow:  Didn't everybody?

> And as long as you validate that ... and abide it ... you are-by your
> grandfathers' standards-cowards.

Mike:  Yeah?  Well my grandfather wraps aluminum foil around his head to
keep aliens from stealing his thoughts.  So I'm not too concerned about
that coward thing...

> Here's another example. Right now at more than one major university,
> Second Amendment scholars and researchers

Servo:  Second Amendment researchers?  What, are they trying to translate
it from the original Sanskrit?

> are being told to shut up about their findings or they'll lose their jobs.

Crow [employer]:  Hey, we're not paying you to find things.

Mike [researcher]:  Yes you are!

Crow [employer]:  Shut up!

> Why? Because their research findings would undermine big-city mayor's
> pending lawsuits

Servo: Don't you hate the way those University heads always knuckle
under to the big-city mayors?

Crow:  Yeah, I hate that.

> that seek to extort hundreds of millions of dollars from firearm
> manufacturers.

Mike:  Hmm...the guns *makers* being extorted.  That's a twist.  Usually
it's the person on the other end of the gun being robbed.

> I don't care what you think about guns.

Servo:  And obviously, as the head of the NRA, you shouldn't.

> But if you are not shocked at that, I am shocked at you.

Crow:  I've lost track again - are we being shocked at the extortion or
at Chuck not caring what we think about guns?

Mike:  I don't know anymore.  My head hurts.

> Who will guard the raw material of unfettered ideas, if not you?
> Who will defend the core value of academia, if you supposed soldiers
> of free thought and expression lay down your arms and plead, "Don't
> shoot me."

Servo:  Chuck lives in a rich fantasy world, where students spend their
free time volunteering to man the gun nest at the entrance to the library.

> If you talk about race, it does not make you a racist. If you see
> distinctions between the genders, it does not make you a sexist. If you
> think critically about a denomination, it does not make you anti-religion.
> If you accept but don't celebrate homosexuality, it does not make you a
> homophobe.

Crow:  If you deliver a pizza, it does not make you the pizza delivery guy.

Mike:  If you build it, they will come.

Servo: If you're starting to believe this, run for your life.

> Don't let America's universities continue to serve as incubators

Crow:  Wow, first he thought America's universities were cradles, now he
thinks they're incubators.  Those college kids must look awful young to
old Mr. Heston.

> for this rampant epidemic of new McCarthyism.

Servo: McCarthyism.  Right.  I guess he means Charlie McCarthyism.

> But what can you do? How can anyone prevail against such pervasive social
> subjugation?

Mike:  You know, I think Chuck has forgotten about the political correctness
part of this talk, and has moved on to pitching his next movie.

> The answer's been here all along. I learned it 36 years ago, on the steps
> of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., standing with Dr. Martin 
> Luther King and two hundred thousand people.

Crow:  Man, those must be some big steps.

> You simply ... disobey. Peaceably, yes. Respectfully, of course.
> Nonviolently, absolutely.

Mike:  Silently, possibly.

Servo: Usually, occasionally.

Crow:  Armed to the teeth, you betcha.

> But when told how to think or what to
> say or how to behave, we don't. We disobey social protocol that
> stifles and stigmatizes personal freedom.

Mike [as Chuck]:  Dammit, if I want to run around with a shotgun
insulting minorities, I'm gonna do it.

> I learned the awesome power of disobedience from Dr. King ... who learned
> it from Gandhi, and Thoreau, and Jesus,

Servo: Wow, that Dr. King sure got around.

Crow:  If he knew Jesus, he must be almost as old as Chuck.

> and every other great man who led those in the
> right against those with the might.

Mike:  And make a right at the light and go straight on til night.

> Disobedience is in our DNA.

Crow:  So, they finally isolated that disobedience gene.

> We feel innate kinship with that disobedient spirit that tossed tea
> into Boston Harbor, that sent Thoreau to jail, that refused to sit in
> the back of the bus, that protested a war in Viet Nam.

Servo: Wow, that spirit sure knows how to stay busy.

> In that same spirit, I am asking you to disavow cultural correctness

Mike:  Should your copy of "Truly Tasteless Jokes" fall into enemy hands,
this agency will disavow all knowledge of your cultural correctness.

> with massive disobedience of rogue authority,

Servo: I was charged by a rogue authority once.  Brought him down with a
double barrel shotgun.

Crow:  Thank god for the NRA.

> social directives and onerous law that weaken personal freedom.

Mike:  Onerous those are the statutes that determine ownership
of property, right?

> But be careful ... it hurts.

Servo: But not nearly as much as this speech does.

> Disobedience demands that you put yourself at risk. Dr. King stood on
> lots of balconies.

Crow:  Well, that's because he played the female lead in 47 productions
of Romeo and Juliet.

> You must be willing to be humiliated ... 

Mike:  You may be asked to deliver this speech.

> to endure the modern-day equivalent of the police dogs at Montgomery

Servo: Modern day equivalent of dogs?  What, some sort of robo-dogs?

> and the water cannons at Selma.

Crow:  Or the soda fountain at Shaggy.

> You must be willing to experience discomfort.

Mike:  Oh, we have some experience with that.

> I'm not complaining, but

Servo: Allow me to complain.

> my own decades of social activism have taken their toll on me.

Servo: Told you so.

> Let me tell you a story.

Crow:  OK.  I'd like to hear "Goldilocks and the three drunken sailors".

Mike:  Crow!

> A few years back I heard about a rapper named Ice-T who was selling a CD
> called "Cop Killer" celebrating ambushing and murdering police officers.

Servo: Rather than call for a ban on handguns, I decided that this song
was the thing causing all the trouble.

> It was being marketed by none other than Time/Warner, the biggest
> entertainment conglomerate in the world.

Mike:  And supplier of 84.3 percent of the world's pure evil.

> Police across the country were outraged. Rightfully so-at least one had
> been murdered.

Crow:  At least I'm pretty sure one police officer has been murdered at
one point or another.  And obviously we should blame it on this song.

> But Time/Warner was stonewalling because the CD was a cash cow for them,

Servo: Can I get a glass of 2% cash?

> and the media were tiptoeing around it because the rapper was black.

Mike:  Oh sure, the media never says *anything* bad about black people.

> I heard Time/Warner had a stockholders meeting scheduled in Beverly
> Hills. I owned some shares at the time, so I decided to attend.

Crow [Chuck voice]: I actually only own two shares, but then I thought
"Hey, I'm Charlton Heston", and decided to stick my nose into it anyway.

> What I did there was against the advice of my family and colleagues.

Servo: I gave the company president a wedgee.  Until he wet 'em.

> I asked for the floor.

Mike:  They gave me 4 ceramic tiles and a lovely piece of carpeting, but
that's all they could spare.

> To a hushed room of a thousand average American stockholders,

Crow:  If Chuck thinks the type of person who shows up for a Time/Warner
stockholder meeting is an "average American", he's even further out of
touch than we thought.

> I simply read the full lyrics of "Cop Killer"-every vicious, vulgar,
> instructional word.


Servo: Yep, that was pretty instructional all right.

Crow:  Now that I know how to do it... [gets up and starts heading away]

Mike [grabs Crow by the net]:  Sit down, young man.

> It got worse, a lot worse.

Servo:  The next verse was sung by Bruce Springsteen.

> I won't read the rest of it to you.

Crow:  Well, that's a small comfort.

> But trust me, the room was a sea of shocked, frozen, blanched faces.

Mike:  Oh, I had blanched face once.  Just after I got over my Orwellian
fervor, in fact.  A warm glass of salt water cleared that up for me too.

Servo: How 'bout you Crow?  Ever been blanched?

Crow:  No, but I'm still roiling.

> The Time/Warner executives squirmed in their chairs and stared at
> their shoes. 

Mike:  But that's not really unusual for Time/Warner executives.

> They hated me for that.

Crow:  What makes him think they wouldn't have hated him anyway?

> Then I delivered another volley of sick lyric brimming with racist filth,

Mike:  Because, you know, that's what I like to do during my free time.

> where Ice-T  fantasizes about sodomizing two 12-year old nieces of Al
> and Tipper Gore.


Servo:  Jeeze, that *is* pretty disturbing.  But did Mr. Heston ever
consider that maybe an aging white actor and a corporate boardroom
were never the intended audience for the album?  [starting to rant]
Did he ever consider that just because something is said in a song,
it doesn't mean it's actually gonna happen?  [in full rant mode]
Does he think every blues singer actually carries a shotgun around
to shoot his old lady down?!?!

Mike:  Tom, I think you're looking too deep.  You're just supposed to
see the surface and feel the outrage.

Servo: Well, I'm just saying...fictional lyrics and first amendment
and all.

Mike:  Don't try to talk constitutional rights with the head of the
NRA.  You'll just hurt yourself.

> Well, I won't do to you here what I did to them. Let's just say I left
> the room in echoing silence. 

Crow: That happens a lot to Chuck.

> When I read the lyrics to the waiting press corps, one of them said
> "We can't print that." "I know," I replied, "but Time/Warner's
> selling it."

Servo:  And then the press replied "Yes, we know.  Copyright issues and
all.  That was our point."

> Two months later, Time/Warner terminated Ice-T's contract. I'll never
> be offered another film by Warners,

Mike:  Well now, see, some good did come out of this.

> or get a good review from Time magazine.

Crow:  Oh sure, that's because of your tough stance against Ice-T.  Nice
excuse, Chuck.

> But disobedience means you must be willing to act, not just talk.

Servo: Or overact, as the case may be.

> When a mugger sues his elderly victim for defending herself ... jam the
> switchboard of the district attorney's office.

Mike:  I'm not saying this has actually happened, but just in case.

> When your university is pressured to lower standards until 80% of the
> students graduate with honors ... choke the halls of the board of regents.

Crow:  Because god knows, we need ditch-diggers in the world too.

> When an 8-year-old boy pecks a girl's cheek on the playground and gets
> hauled into court for sexual harassment ... march on that school and
> block its doorways.

Servo: Oh now come on.  I guess 8 year olds getting dragged into court is
an everyday occurrence in Chuck's rich fantasy world.

> When someone you elected is seduced by political power and betrays you ...
> petition them, oust them, banish them.

Mike:  Nice idea, but it would leave Washington pretty much empty.

> When Time magazine's cover portrays millennium nuts as deranged, crazy
> Christians holding a cross as it did last month ... boycott their
> magazine and the products it advertises.

Crow:  Those should have been deranged, crazy Christians holding rifles.

Mike: Wow, he manages to slander anyone who's afraid of the Y2K thing
while at the same time bitching about Time's supposed slandering of
Christians.  Impressive display of hypocrisy.

Servo:  That's nothing, Mike - he spent the whole first half of this speech
talking about how evil political correctness is, and trying to make himself
look like a champion of free speech, and then he immediately turned around
and bragged about how he tried to get a rap album banned because he
personally found it offensive.  Apparently he only wants personal freedom
for those who agree with him.

Crow:  Jeeze, tone it down a bit Servo, you're getting too serious...

Servo: Well, it just cheeses me off, is all.

> So that this nation may long endure, I urge you to follow in the hallowed
> footsteps

Mike:  Hallowed footsteps - I think that's where they get those ceramic
impressions of Bigfoot's feet.

Servo: No, those are *hollowed* footsteps, Mike.

> of the great disobediences

Crow:  Disobediences have footsteps?

> of history that freed exiles, founded religions,

Mike:  Oh yeah, let's found a few more religions.  That'll help.

> defeated tyrants, and yes, in the hands of an aroused

Crow:  Argh, he's getting aroused again!

> rabble in arms and a few great men, by God's grace, built this country.

Servo: Would that be the God of one of these recently founded religions?

> If Dr. King were here, I think he would agree.

Crow:  Way to speak for the dead there, Chuck.

Mike:  Oh yeah, Martin Luther King was known for agreeing with elderly,
white, bible-thumping gun fanatics.

> Thank you.

[Erhardt and Forrester's voices come from off-stage]:  No, thaaank *you*!

Crow:  ...the hell?

Servo: Where'd that come from?

Mike:  I think it was caught in some time-travelling wormhole.  Either
that, or the author was just being weird.

> Send all comments to

Crow:  Oh, I think we've made all the comments we can for now.

> The Charlton Heston Online Shrine

Servo: There's a Charlton Heston...Online...*Shrine*.

Mike:  I believe that's the final sign of the end times.

Crow:  I knew computers were evil.

> Sourcecode ;(c)1996 - 1999 Andrew Parmet and Chris Kivlehan.

Servo: Sourcecode?  You mean if we compile this speech it might actually
do something useful?

Mike:  I wouldn't count on it.

> Click here to get more info.

Crow:  Fortunately, we have nothing to click with.

> This site is not endorsed by Charlton Heston or any organization he is,
> was or will be associated with.

Servo: Well, nice to see Mr. Heston standing behind his words like that.

> It's just a wacky fan site,

Crow:  Pretty wacky, all right.

> so please don't sue us.

Mike:  Nah, we'd prefer to just mock you.

> Best viewed at a resolution of 832 X 624 with thousands of colors.

Servo: Which is what the world looks like after reading this speech.

Mike:  No Tom, that's after taking some LSD.

Crow:  Same thing, pretty much.

[They get up and start heading out of the theater]

Servo: So, how do you know about the LSD thing, Mike?

Mike:  Um...I'm guessing?


[back on the bridge]

Mike:  Wow, that certainly gave me a lot to think about.

Crow:  You mean about how a crazy old man is the head of an organization
made up entirely of heavily armed people?

Mike:  Well, that wasn't what I was thinking about, but now that you've
put the image in my head, I'm sure it won't be going away anytime soon.

[Cut down to Pearl]

Pearl: Hey, what the heck happened?  I sent you a speech about political
correctness, and it turns out it encourages obnoxious behavior.

Servo: That's right, yer frumpyness.

Pearl [steams for a moment, then a sly, evil grin dawns on her face]:  Well,
since you don't seem to have the proper respect for female authority
figures, I guess I'll have to send you another fanfic to reinforce that
concept.  Brain Guy, get me...[whispers to him]

Mike:  Oh no...
Crow:  Not a...
Servo: Don't let it be...

[Brain Guy does his little shut-eye head-bob and the printout of another
 fanfic appears in his hands]

Brain Guy:  Here you go, Pearl.

Pearl:  That's right, you ungrateful peons, it's another of Ratliff's
Marissa stories!

Bobo:  Oh goodie, I like those!

[picture fades to black as we hear Mike and the bots moan in despair]


Mystery Science Theater 3000, and the characters Mike, Crow, Servo, Pearl,
Brain Guy and Bobo all belong to Best Brains, Inc.  They are used here
without permission, so be aware that this fanfic is in no way endorsed
or approved by BBI.  I would guess that Charlton Heston owns the text
that was MSTed, but I couldn't contact him for permission to MST it.
All right, to be honest, I didn't even try.  Someone just emailed me
the thing (because they thought it was a wonderfully stirring speech)
and I decided to savage it.  If Mr. Heston really doesn't want it up on
the web, I'll take it down, but maybe he should read his own words before
making that request.

Special thanks to whoever first came up with the idea of MSTing fanfics,
and the many people who have taken the concept and run with it.  Some of
the most entertaining stuff on the web, IMHO.

	-- Bob "Bice" Eichler

Stinger montage:

> I serve as a moving target for the media who've called me everything from
> "ridiculous" and "duped" to a "brain-injured, senile, crazy old man." 

> If you want the ceiling re-painted I'll do my best. 

> Underneath, the nation is roiling.

> I don't care what you think about guns.